Belly Laughs_ The Naked Truth About Pregnancy and Childbirth - Jenny McCarthy [5]
So, guess what my darling, understanding husband did? He kept on going. So, guess what Psycho Chick did? She went positively postal and started whipping remote controls at him. First, the TV control; that one breaks. Then the VCR remote; that one breaks. Then the stereo remote. Now, please listen to me when I tell you this is not me. Not all celebrities are temperamental wack jobs. I am not that kind of a person. I’ve never thrown anything. But all of a sudden I’m Joan Crawford with a really bad bleach job!
Psycho Chick turned into Crying Psycho Chick, and I burst into tears. My husband realized that he’d played with me long enough and put his arm around me. Psycho Chick went back into her hole that day, but she would be heard from many a time again. Sometimes I’d see her coming, I’d feel her emerging. Other times she would just pop out of the woodwork without warning. But she was always with me, just waiting to make a scene.
Now you might be thinking, “Why did you tell us a story as simple as arguing about the caffeine in tea?” Well, that’s exactly why. During this time you will find yourself getting enraged about the dumbest things. They might not seem dumb to you at the time, but they really are, and you’ll see the stupidity in retrospect. If you haven’t gotten to this point yet in pregnancy, warn your husband that “Psycho Chick” could be coming. At least then when you throw a remote at him, you can say, “I warned you darling . . . now RUN!”
Holy Shit, I Think I Hard-Boiled My Baby!
(Taking Hot Baths)
When you first become pregnant there are so many things you just don’t know. Then, there are a billion things people tell you that are either completely wrong or old wives’ tales. Then, there’s the shit your doctor tells you, and then, there’s the shit you read about, and finally, there’s the brilliant wisdom your mother feels the need to share.
The day I found out I was pregnant I was so excited that I vowed to change my way of life. Don’t get me wrong—I wasn’t into anything illegal: I just had some bad eating habits and I was pretty tightly wound. So, I just wanted to eat healthy and really relax. As a start, I thought I would take a hot tub . . . perhaps a Jacuzzi.
I was staying in a hotel at the time, so I figured I would take them up on their advertised facilities. I climbed on into the Jacuzzi and sat there soothing myself in scalding 110-degree water. Oohh, it felt good. As I relaxed, I daydreamed about what my baby would look like. I wondered if he or she would be blond like my husband and me or maybe get my nose and his chin. I was starting to really relax and enjoy myself when Mrs. “I’m Gonna Scare the Shit out of You” decided to join me in the hot tub. She was about fifty years old and, as I came to find out, had three kids of her own. I myself had just found out I was pregnant and I needed to tell somebody, and since she had absolutely no idea who I was, I figured it would be a safe bet to tell her. Of course, I should never have opened my big fat mouth.
“YOU’RE PREGNANT?!! GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS HOT TUB. YOU’RE HURTING YOUR BABY!!!!” she shrieked.
With that, I flip-flopped out of the hot tub like I was in a Jackie Chan movie. I stood there in horror as the once soothing but now terrifyingly lethal water dripped off me. She went on to tell me that extreme heat could really harm the baby, that if your body temperature gets too warm it heats up the embryo.
Now cold and in a cold sweat, I couldn’t help but see my new little embryo sitting inside me as a hard-boiled egg. I honestly believed I had hard-boiled my baby. I started freaking out.
Mrs. I’m Gonna Scare the Shit out of You continued her lecture. She told me to avoid taking a bath, and when I showered, it should always be in cool water. Then she went on to tell me that I should avoid eating fish, not to have sex, not to dye my hair, to avoid caffeine, yadadada. I was doing my best to tune her out: She was