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All I could think about was that I MIGHT HAVE HARD-BOILED MY BABY! Leaving the still-ranting hottubber far behind to call my gyno two time zones away, I ran up to my hotel room and dialed like a mad woman. He assured me that I had NOT, in fact, hard-boiled my baby. However, he did say I should indeed avoid taking hot baths. He also told me that most of the time my body would let me know when it was too hot because when you’re pregnant your body will become overheated quickly. And that turned out to be true in a lot of cases. Your body definitely lets you know when something is just not right. If you’re in a crowded room that might be too stuffy, your little pregnant body will set off an alarm inside that will make you get the hell out of there.

Now, maybe he had told me all of this before. Maybe the pregnancy books I had read when we were “trying” made all this clear. But in all my happiness and hormonal wackiness, I didn’t take any of it in. I guess the lesson here is that you should listen to your body more than you listen to the crazy strangers whose advice will scare your pants off. That is, don’t listen to them, but do listen to me. Psycho Chick notwithstanding, I’m not crazy even if I am a stranger (about whose privates you already know too much).

Granny Panties

(Letting Go of the G-String)

The moment I got pregnant I swore I would not do typical pregnant things like wear granny panties or a big ugly maternity bra. I was determined that I was going to be different and cool and be a sexy pregnant lady. I suffered and stood my ground for the first few months. I was not giving up my G-string. I loved the no-panty-line look, but as my ass started to widen, my thongs were getting tighter and tighter. Of course I still had no panty line, but instead I had the “your ass is too fat to be wearing those” look going. I had rolls hanging off each side of my hips. Clearly, I had to do something.

So that’s how I came to be standing in a store looking at new panty options. Not the maternity store yet. I would give in to that level of sizing a little later in my pregnancy. At this point it was just a regular department store, and I had brought my husband with me for moral support. As I searched the rack he whispered, “Honey, don’t shop for my sake; get something comfortable.” How sweet, how selfless. So what did I do? I smiled and moved right toward the table of big, wide 100 percent cotton Granny panties. I picked the cutest colors I could find in a couple of sizes (but why are these things only available in white, peach, and baby blue?) and walked in scared slow motion toward the dressing room. I was scared for two reasons. One, I was about to see what size I was going to fit in, and two, the scariest reason, I was about to see my ass in the most unforgiving lighting of all: overhead fluorescent.

I immediately started with the larges. Why not? It would so much easier to go down in size than go through the depressing motion of moving up. On they went, right over my stretched-to-the-limit thong. And surprise, surprise: The large fit. And to my amazement, I had never been so comfortable in my life. Spread the news! Granny panties totally rock! Sexy in the traditional sense, no way. But my newfound comfort seemed like the sexiest thing ever. And there may just be no going back!

To avoid my other fear, and for your information, I avoided looking at my ass altogether. Indeed, and I really believe this, there is absolutely no reason any woman, pregnant or not, should have to look at her naked ass in a department store dressing room. Save that moment for the comfort of your own home and the mirror you bought because it makes you look skinny.

I Can Either Pee on You or You Can Get the Hell Out of My Way!

(Frequent Pee Breaks)

It ought to be something they teach in kindergarten: Do NOT stop a pregnant woman on her way to the bathroom. Unfortunately, even if people understand pregnant pee pressure in theory, no one will