Belly Laughs_ The Naked Truth About Pregnancy and Childbirth - Jenny McCarthy [7]
The weird thing about the pee thing is that it starts almost the moment you find out you’re pregnant. That seems so weird to me because there clearly isn’t a seven-pound baby pushing on your bladder at that time. Still, I woke up in those early months at 2 a.m. and then at 3 a.m. and then at 6 a.m. No rest for the weary. It was just pee, pee, pee.
Later in my pregnancy, an unusually memorable pee attack happened to me while my husband and I were going to take a drive to visit a friend. He knew it was going to be a bit of a haul, so he asked his very pregnant wife if she had to pee before we left. Well, I didn’t at that time, but as we started driving, I felt a small pee sensation. I knew if I said anything he would do the “I told you to pee before we left” routine. So I told myself to save the argument, shut up, and hold it. You know how long I held it for? About fifteen seconds. And therein lies the truth of the matter: There is no “holding it” when you’re pregnant. When you gotta go you gotta go!!!
And that’s what I told him. But we were almost there, so he “encouraged” me to “hold back the waters.” I told him that the only chance I had was for him to drive faster. Zoom! He put the pedal to the metal, but still, I wasn’t sure I could hold off and stared longingly out the window at every possible bathroom stop. Greasy gas station bathrooms never looked so good to me.
We turned down the final road to our friends’ house. Yes, we were almost there! But then, out of the blue, my husband decided to turn into a freakin’ tour guide. He slowed the car down to a snail’s pace and started pointing at some stupid well sitting on top of a hill and began to recite the history of the well. Where did Mr. Understanding go? Had he forgotten that the upholstery was in grave danger here? My mouth was to the floor of the car as I held my crotch doing a pee dance. I couldn’t believe what he was doing. He obviously did not fully grasp the urgency in my voice. Needless to say, Psycho Chick (remember her?) showed up (see page 15) and I told him where he could shove that well.
Proving that he had not learned that all-important kindergarten lesson, he got upset because I was being mean and he . . . completely stopped the car. So you know what I did? I lost my patience (my dignity having been lost years before). I got out of the car, stood on the side of the road, and pulled down my pants and peed. Now, there’s a pretty picture: a nine months’ pregnant lady squatting down trying to balance herself while she pees on the side of the road. Pretty or not, it felt DAMN good.
Moral of the story: When you are in desperate need, don’t be afraid to take matters into your own hands. Everyone eventually forgives the pregnant lady.
Passing Stonehenge
(Constipation)
At no time is constipation pretty or comfortable, but during pregnancy it’s even worse than bad. And I had it bad. You’ll probably notice it most in your first and last trimesters (again, just a small window of relief during that respite known as the second trimester). For me, the worst of it came (or didn’t come, to be more precise) in the beginning. I honestly went thirteen days without even a rumble. And I was eating enormous amounts of food. Where could it be going? I wasn’t packing weight on just yet . . . and it certainly wasn’t coming out.
Then one day, as I was driving my car, BAM! There was no way around it, things were rumbling and they wanted to come out. From the feel of things, I could tell that it was the size of Stonehenge and it was ready to flow. Holy shit! I was thinking, where the hell am I going to go? Even though later on in my pregnancy I wouldn’t turn my nose up at a gas station, this was early on, and I refused to use that kind of can. I stepped on the gas and got my eager rectum home.