Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [11]
Intimacy usually doesn’t happen overnight. Some relationships are easy from the beginning while others aren’t. Yet, the degree to which two women are able to be emotionally honest and intimate with each other is the most important measure by which women ultimately judge the quality of a friendship. When a woman feels safe and secure in a relationship, it frees her to be authentic and real. She can be her true self: willing to share and talk openly about everything and anything without the fear of being judged, ridiculed, or rejected. In such a close friendship, trust begets trust so the openness is reciprocated, strengthening the foundation of the relationship.
For a friendship between two women to take hold (or stay together), there also needs to be some sense of common ground: a sense of reciprocity, a mutual feeling that each one is getting her fair share from the relationship. This doesn’t mean that the relationship is balanced all the time, but the giving and receiving equals out over time.
Although two friends may be of different backgrounds, ages, or socioeconomic classes, they can share certain qualities or attributes that bond them together. A woman going through infertility, premature childbirth, breast cancer, or divorce may connect with another who is empathetic because she has been through a similar experience. Even differences can be the basis of a strong attraction between two people. For example, one woman may like to “mother” her friends, and another may have a strong need to be “mothered” by someone who is older, wiser, or more experienced.
There may be times when one friend feels needy and looks for support, and other times when she is in a position to be supportive and extend herself. One friend may be reeling from a recent series of life events, but doesn’t feel burdensome to the friend providing support because the second friend’s life is on an even keel at the moment. She realizes that there were times when she felt more like an underdog and now the roles have reversed. The relationship isn’t always equal across every domain, but there is enough balance so that it doesn’t feel like one person is always a giver and the other is always a taker.
When relationships begin to weaken, one or both of the women find some reason to withdraw and move on. In fact, unlike the legal or blood ties we have with spouses, partners, or relatives, friendship is a totally voluntary relationship between two people who choose to befriend each other, and the relationship can be ended summarily by either party. “Friendship is a non-event—a relationship that becomes, that grows, develops, waxes, wanes, and too often, perhaps, ends, all without ceremony or ritual to mark its existence,” says sociologist Dr. Lillian Rubin.
Favorite Friendship Flicks
Movies can provide a glimpse into the lives and friendships of other women, and thus alert us to what to expect of our own. If you haven’t seen these classic flicks, rent one with a girlfriend or two, sit back with some popcorn, and use it as a springboard for talking and thinking about your friendships.
Beaches (1988)
Mystic Pizza (1988)
Steel Magnolias (1989)
Bagdad Cafe (1990)
Thelma and Louise (1991)
Fried Green Tomatoes (1991)
A League of Their Own (1992)
First Wives Club (1996)
Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood (2002)
The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants (2005)
Sex and the City (2008)
SOURCE: Suggested by Jane Boursaw, ReelLifeWithJane
Yet almost uniformly, women are caught surprised when a friendship that was once close—and that appeared to be lifelong—turns casual or comes to an unanticipated and jolting end. Friendships are fluid, characterized by permeable boundaries that change over time. In many cases, it is difficult to pinpoint precisely when a friendship begins and when it