Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [13]
How does someone know when she’s found a best friend? French women—yes, the kind who don’t get fat—would say it is a certain Je ne sais quoi (English translation: something indescribable). In responding to the survey that helped set the stage for this book, over and over women used phrases like we clicked or we connected to express the feeling of being at one with a female friend. More often than not, finding a best friend is based on emotion rather than on rational thinking.
Like romantic relationships between men and women, the synergy that makes for close female friendships is complex and even hard to understand if you try to dissect it. A best friendship is characterized by honesty, openness, generosity, and loyalty. But most of all, it feels comfortable: women say it just feels right when best friends are together—as comfortable as slipping into a favorite pair of blue jeans that have been washed with hot water and fabric softener at least a hundred times. Even before she got to know her, this was the sense that Anne Shirley had about Diana. She immediately knew they were meant for each other, or so it seemed.
With a best friend, you don’t have to censor your thoughts, measure your words, or think before speaking; nor do you need to spell-check your e-mail. Conversation flows naturally and easily. You are able to laugh about the same things and understand one another’s humor. If you’re an avid fan of a particular TV show or movie genre, it’s hard to imagine being close with a friend who “doesn’t get it.”
Attempting to describe the indescribable, one woman compared the warmth of being with her best friend to “hugs and cups of tea.” Others remarked that while they can easily finish their friend’s sentences (as is often said of romantic relationships), it also feels totally okay to spend time together in silence. Best friends rarely tire of one another. Being with a best friend makes shopping, seeing a movie, or going to the gym more fun, but best friends are also comfortable and relaxed doing nothing.
Some women call this type of closeness a feeling of sisterhood. In fact, a woman without a sister feels like she’s found the sister she never had. A woman with one or more sisters may consider her friend another sibling. “If she needed anything from me, I would be there for her, just like my other sisters,” says one woman. In some cases, women feel closer to a best friend than to a blood relative.
Two best friends often share a history of common interests or similar life situations. They may share a deep sense of spirituality or have the same political beliefs. They may have gone to the same high school or college, lived in the same town, or raised their children at the same time. They may have both been the sibling who had to be responsible for the rest of the family, the youngest sibling, or an only child. Sometimes the friendship expands beyond the two individuals and embraces their respective families—husbands, children, parents, or siblings—making everyone feel part of something larger than themselves.
Although less common, some women click because they are polar opposites who complement one another in terms of their interests, attitudes, politics, or personalities. Even though two friends come from different backgrounds and walks of life, they speak the same language (figuratively), generally share similar values, and can put themselves in each other’s shoes. One woman called her best friend, who was a few years older than she, a quasi-fortune-teller because she could help her predict the next chapters in her life.
Friends recognize strengths that we don’t see in ourselves and help us evolve into the person we want to become. Together, two best friends form a spiritual bond that overcomes each one’s sense of isolation and that buffers them from the anonymity and indifference of their larger social circle and even the world