Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [15]
When a side of a friend emerges that you never saw before, you suddenly realize that she is more imperfect than you had thought. One woman felt that way when she found out that her best friend who was married had been using her as a cover for her sexual indiscretions. Or you may discover that the fun-loving girlfriend who was your best friend in elementary school isn’t the same person as the self-centered woman who won’t let you get a word in edgewise.
One 25-year-old woman named Hannah told me how sad she felt when she first realized that even close childhood friendships could end unexpectedly. Hannah and her best friend Jade, whom she met when she was only 9 years old, had spent ten seasons together in summer camp and maintained the relationship over the remainder of the year, even though they lived far apart.
When they both were accepted at the same college, they were together constantly. They had a relationship that was so close and long that there never seemed to be any reason for secrets between them. During the second half of their freshman year, the two women became good friends with David, a guy in their dorm, and the twosome soon turned into a comfortable threesome who felt like siblings. They had meals and studied together, and knew everything about each other’s lives. When they had dating problems, David could provide a male perspective.
Through another girlfriend, Hannah learned that Jade’s relationship with David had become intimate over the summer. She would have better handled the shock had she heard it from her best friend first rather than from a causal acquaintance who lived in their dorm. She was both hurt and embarrassed, and confronted Jade. She accused her of living a lie by keeping the relationship hidden from her.
Jade was contrite, explaining that she just couldn’t find the right words to explain what had happened. She had wanted to tell Hannah but the timing was never right. She said she cherished her friendship with Hannah and wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize it. Hannah accepted her apology, but the friendship was never the same. Hannah never thought that anything could upset such a solid friendship but it did. “I’m starting to realize that this is normal—friends come and go, especially when you’re friends with someone during the transformative years of your life,” says Hannah. “You are both bound to change.”
Because people change, their friendships are dynamic. Friendships intensify, become frayed, remain somewhat the same, or end. At some phases there is a pull that brings two women together, and at others there is a tug that tears them apart. Some changes are temporary; others are permanent. Sometimes changes are so subtle that they take place with little or no awareness; other times, friends consciously decide to alter their relationship.
A CASE OF FRIENDSHIP LOST
The story of two ex-friends, Jess and Merry, is noteworthy. While the circumstances surrounding their split are hard to fathom, it illustrates how a friendship can go awry, seemingly without any rational explanation. This one came as a huge disappointment for Jess, who could never have imagined it would end in this way.
Jess, now 33, grew up in Los Angeles, where she played competitive squash with her friend Merry from the time they were 12 years old. They attended the same schools, shared the same girlfriends, and experienced the same highs and lows of winning and losing games. They were co-captains