Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [21]
OVERLOOKING MILESTONES
Birthdays are milestones which, when forgotten or overlooked, can cause an unexpected schism in a long-term friendship. Depending on how a woman has been raised to feel about birthdays, what else is or isn’t going on in her life at the time, or the significance of the particular birthday, what happens or doesn’t happen between friends on that single day can assume mammoth proportions.
Some families make a big fuss over the birthday girl, no matter her age—showering her with cakes, celebrations, and gifts. These women often grow up expecting their own family members and friends to carry on the same tradition. If one friend was raised to view birthdays as “just another day,” it can create an awkward mismatch between her and a friend who lives for birthdays.
Aside from expectations not matching up, birthdays aren’t always happy occasions for everyone. Often a birthday girl feels riddled with fears, doubts, and disappointments about herself on the milestone day, making the occasion particularly emotionally charged. Certain birthdays are more significant milestones, such as a woman’s 18th, 21st, or 35th birthday or the round-number birthdays that mark the passage of another decade, and women like to share them with a circle of friends. However, if a woman is at a low point in her life, when things don’t seem to be going in the right direction—perhaps because she just broke up with a partner, hasn’t met Mr. Right, has lost her job or feels stuck in an unsatisfying career, has health or financial problems, isn’t able to conceive, has lost a parent, is mildly depressed, has lost a good friend, or has too few female friends—she may have unrealistic expectations of how her friends should treat her on that day.
Tenets of Friendship at Times of Loss
• Above all, be there. Reach out even if you find out about what happened from a third party. Don’t pretend you didn’t know or hear what happened, even if you are uncomfortable or unsure of the distance between you two at that moment. “Sometimes you put out your hand and it isn’t taken,” says Anne Roiphe, author of Epilogue. That doesn’t mean the effort won’t be appreciated.
• It’s normal to feel awkward and not know exactly what to say to someone who has experienced a recent tragedy or loss. Remember that the words you use aren’t as important as your being there to listen to what she has to say.
• Don’t tell your friend that you know what she’s going through, even if you or your aunt in Detroit went through something similar. Every experience of loss and grief is unique.
• Focus on what you can do, whether it’s providing a meal or an afternoon’s diversion, rather than on what you can’t do or change.
• Keep your curiosity in check. Don’t pry with questions. Let the other person take the lead in deciding how much detail she wants to provide.
• Most people appreciate a warm hug and a simple expression of thoughtfulness, like a special tea or coffee.
• If you don’t know what to say, the most simple and heartfelt message is: “I care and I’m here for you if you need me.”
• Don’t relay your expressions of sympathy through someone else
• If you are the one grieving or who has had a loss, realize that your friend may feel awkward and uncomfortable, and cut them some slack.
Celebrating Birthdays in Style
• Send a card or note on pretty stationery telling her why you treasure your friendship.
• If today is her birthday and you’ve forgotten until this very minute, it’s still not too late to call her. Sometimes a quick phone call is the most personal and touching birthday gift.
• Whether it’s a meal or a walk in the park, suggest a way to spend time with her on her special day. If you live far apart or have to work the actual day of her birthday, make sure she knows you have concrete plans for a rain check for celebrating with her.
• Leave fresh flowers on her doorstep.
• Surprise her. Make something, buy something, or do something she wouldn’t ordinarily do for herself. Make a special dessert, send her flowers or cupcakes