Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [22]
April, now 42, severed a friendship over hurt feelings that were brought into sharp focus around a milestone birthday. April, who is single with no children, was friends with Diana, who was married with two kids in elementary school. April acknowledged every milestone and event tied to Diana and her kids—birthdays, communions, graduations, anniversaries, and gymnastic tournaments. Since Diana had no sisters, April felt like an aunt to her friend’s daughters. “I was there for her through her husband’s affair, the birth of her children, and all those momentous occasions,” says April.
For three years in a row, Diana never recognized April’s birthday—not even her 40th, which was a significant one for April. She had always hoped she would have been married by then, so the passage of that year was tinged with sadness as she heard her biological clock ticking away. On the evening of her birthday, which fell on a Saturday, she had a pleasant dinner with her parents and younger sister at a favorite restaurant in the city. She was sure she would return home to a message from Diana, but when she checked her voice mail, no one had called.
About a month later, after hearing about the dinner, Diana finally “tossed a card in my direction,” says April. In a moment of frustration, April made it known how disappointed she was and complained to a mutual acquaintance that only one person remembered her birthday, apart from her family. This third person passed the information on to Diana.
“She called me and said that I hadn’t given her time to wish me a ‘Happy Birthday’ and called me a ‘bitch,’” says April, still angry and upset over the incident. “As a single woman, I refuse to feel bad for wanting to be recognized for my birthday at least one day out of the freakin’ year,” she says.
It’s been months and the two women haven’t spoken. It’s easy to see how April could feel overlooked by a friend who appeared to “have it all” but who had no compassion for someone else who wasn’t feeling at the top of her game. Though she never kept a scorecard, even in terms of the money she shelled out for gifts, April began to feel cheated. Soon after the 40th birthday explosion, their once-close friendship started to drift apart.
Perhaps April had grown too needy and was jealous of her friend. Or perhaps Diana was a mother and wife who was at a point in her own life when she no longer had time or patience to focus on a needy single friend. Maybe Diana grew up in a home where birthdays weren’t important and attached less meaning to them than her friend. If that was the case, Diana might even have thought that April’s reaction was childish or uncalled for, while in fact Diana’s behavior hurt April deeply. Whatever the reasons, there was a shift in the dynamics of their relationship so it was no longer reciprocal.
Psychologically speaking, empathy is required to take on the perspective of the other person in a friendship. Clearly, Diana was not as empathic to her friend’s needs as was April to hers. But negotiating our relative empathy levels is an important part of creating a working dynamic in a relationship. If you notice that your friend’s feelings tend to bruise more easily than yours, or that your friend seems to be more in tune with and worried about your joys and concerns than you are with hers—or vice versa—you need to be alert to your respective differences. Once you understand and accept how the two of you might differ, you can take steps to help your friendship stay balanced, even through rocky moments.
Often, with a little forethought, you can avoid disappointments that lead friendships to unravel:
Avoiding Disappointments
• Be there.
• Schedule facetime.
• Acknowledge her special days with a call, card, or letter.
• Find ways to celebrate her successes.
• Make sure you are beside her when she needs you.
• Find spontaneous ways to remind her that you’re