Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [23]
• Communicate your own needs and expectations without being demanding
• Create shared rituals.
FAMILY FEUDS
Another common friendship fallout arises when a friend says or does something hurtful to someone in our family, sometimes to a husband or to our kids. As blood boils, it suddenly becomes thicker than water.
Desiree described a friendship that came to such an abrupt end. Her girlfriend, Vanessa, had a child of the same age. The two women had given birth only weeks apart; each of their children referred to their mom’s friend as “Auntie.” Once a month, the couples shared a babysitter and went to dinner without the kids. Then one day, Vanessa’s young son began acting aggressively to Desiree’s daughter, pulling her hair without provocation. Had the situation been reversed, Desiree would have reprimanded her daughter right away, but Vanessa not only didn’t reprimand her son, she admonished Desiree’s daughter for being a cry-baby and fighting back.
Desiree couldn’t believe what she was hearing. How dare Vanessa discipline someone else’s daughter when she couldn’t take care of her own son, who had thrown the first punch? From that day forward, the relationship between the two moms and their children was never the same. Desiree accused her friend of being blind to her own son’s antics at Desiree’s daughter’s expense, and said that was unacceptable.
After that incident, Desiree called her friend and told her calmly that she was being too lenient with her son, and it would ultimately cause her problems. Despite the attempted heart-to-heart, there was no rapprochement after what had occurred that day. Soon there were no more playdates and the women stopped speaking. Neither friend was willing to give in to repair the relationship. The end.
How did it come about that two women who ostensibly had so much in common suddenly broke up over one isolated, minor incident? Although the breaking point was a single event, the disagreement itself became representative of larger differences. Both women seem to have realized that their parenting philosophies were irreconcilable—Vanessa’s was more hands-off, while Desiree’s was more authoritarian. Perhaps since the well-being of their children was in question, the small incident became indicative of deeper differences. Those irreconcilable philosophies were important enough to each woman that neither could think well of her former friend for not admitting she was wrong about her approach.
The fact is, family is often prioritized over friendship. While children and how they are raised are probably among the most common reasons mother friends fall out, there are other reasons a woman might feel her once-best friend has come between her and her family. Susie and Pam were neighbors as well as friends who had one such misunderstanding after years of friendship between their families. They all vacationed together at least three times a year and kept a small boat they shared at the lake. When Susie’s husband lost his job, the family had to cut back on their discretionary spending. Susie and Pam still chatted each day but Pam seemed to have little sympathy for what Susie and Mark were going through as a couple.
Mark was so depressed that he had a hard time mobilizing himself to look for work. His unemployment insurance didn’t go very far and Mark sure didn’t seem to enjoy being home and feeling useless. More than once, Pam called Mark a “couch potato” in front of his kids. Pam thought she was being funny; perhaps she could cheer him up a bit. He had been looking so dour, she thought. The third time she did it, Susie snapped. Was Pam purposely trying to demean her husband when he was already down? How could she be so insensitive when she knew what was going on?
The next day, Susie called Pam and said she thought it wasn’t “healthy” for the two families to be as close as they once were. Pam apologized and said that perhaps she was tactless. But after that conversation, things were never the same.
Minimizing Family Feuds
• Be a good listener. Recognize that while