Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [34]
“I had to respect her decision, but was confused about why she felt the need to cut our friendship off entirely,” says Randi. Nicole said she was looking for a best friend who was more available and accessible, someone with whom she could go out and have drinks—something Randi never had time to do, with her three small children and her husband’s long work hours. Nicole said she didn’t feel like putting any more energy into a “phone friend.” “Could she only have one friend at a time?” asks Randi, who felt humiliated and rejected.
These were two women whose lives had taken different paths and whose friendship needs had diverged. For Randi, this “friendship-lite” added an important dimension to her harried life as a busy mom living abroad. For Nicole, it simply wasn’t enough. “I understand her need to cut loose, but I thought she understood my situation, too,” says Randi. “I am sad. I miss our girl chats. I miss being her Dr. Freud.” Although Randi knows many people where she’s living, her relationship with Nicole felt like her special lifeline to the United States. She never had to explain herself to Nicole because her friend always knew. “I really feel alone now,” she says.
Randi is not the only woman to have been unilaterally dumped by a friend. This is an experience many women have—the “it’s just not working for me” phone call so akin to a romantic breakup, or, in some cases, a face-to-face meeting in which one woman redresses her friend for her friendship failings. But not all friendship “dumps” are so clear, or so acknowledged. Because best friendships are not exclusive and categorical, like most romantic relationships, best friend breakups are generally confusing and messy.
For example, Stephanie and Anna, both in their twenties, met while they were graduate students. Because they shared several classes as well as an advisor, they recognized each other by sight. When they found themselves in the library at the same table one evening, they immediately began chatting and realized how much more they had in common. The conversation flowed easily and they soon became soul mates, talking multiple times a day (and night) and sharing their lives with each other.
When they graduated the next year, Stephanie helped Anna get a job in the same firm where she had been working part-time. The two friends became inseparable. “We did everything together, from going to dinner or the movies to jogging in the park,” says Stephanie. “We spent a lot of time texting and instant-messaging at work, too.”
Then Anna met a “new best friend,” a woman named Lisa who lived on the same floor of her apartment building. Little by little, Anna was spending more time with Lisa and less time with Stephanie, who felt like she had been replaced. Anna made no secret that she and Lisa were going bar-hopping, swimming, and to yoga classes, things Stephanie had never wanted to do with her.
One day, after Stephanie dropped Anna off at home for lunch, Stephanie texted her friend saying that maybe they should give their friendship a break because they seemed to be getting into so many little arguments over the past couple of months. Stephanie was probably worried that she would be dumped, and made a defensive, preemptive strike to avoid any more psychic pain. She was still shocked when Anna texted back: “Fine and take care.”
Stephanie swallowed hard and felt bad about what she had done. The next day she texted Anna again, apologizing for her impulsive message borne out of frustration. She said she hoped that her friend would forgive her. Anna texted back what seemed like a prefunctory message: “There is no need for you to be sorry.”
The two women had it out when they saw each other at work. Stephanie asked what was going on. Anna exploded and told Stephanie that she was simply too needy. Anna was sick of listening and keeping her company all the time. She admitted that she felt bad saying it but she couldn’t be that kind