Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [35]
The two once-best friends haven’t spoken since. They avoid each other at the office whenever possible, because they both feel so awkward. Stephanie tried texting Anna several times, asking to get together again to talk. “I told her that I will always continue to value her friendship and would like to work things out with her,” she says. Anna texted back: “Our relationship just doesn’t work for me anymore and you need to move on with your life. I have nothing to say to you.”
Stephanie is desperately seeking what she terms as “closure.” She asks: “Should I try to reach out to her one last time or just let go? Seeing her every day at work and not speaking to each other is very painful. I still want to reconnect and be her friend.”
As difficult as it is to be dumped, having to see your once-best friend on a daily basis (at work, at school, on the block) makes it that much more painful. It reopens a wound that never had a chance to really heal. Although texting isn’t a good way to handle sensitive discussions, it isn’t likely that Stephanie’s friendship broke up because of that one provocative text message. There had been many red flags along the way: Stephanie and Anna were beginning to argue more often. Anna made a new best friend without making any effort to draw Stephanie into their circle or offering any explanation. The text message may have simply given Anna the excuse she was looking for to opt out of the friendship.
While it is natural for a friend who has been dumped to hope for some “feel-good” or palliative closure (e.g., an apology or face-saving explanation), Anna made it clear that she wasn’t willing or ready to rehash her friendship with Stephanie. This left Stephanie with no choice but to back off and do some soul-searching to figure out what really happened and why. Stephanie would have to achieve closure on her own.
Warning Signs of a Waning Friendship
• Having less time for each other
• Feeling out of touch and/or out of sync
• Having less to share
• Having to work harder to make conversation
• Feeling you have less in common than you once did
• Increasingly preferring to be with other people (friends or family)
• Increasingly frequent miscommunications and misunderstandings
A third—and very common—kind of friend-dumping is the de facto kind, when one friend ceases to be present in the relationship but never addresses her friend or whatever the problem may be. Instead, the breakup initiator simply distances herself or disappears completely, forcing the dumpee to come to her own conclusions about what might have gone wrong.
To this day, Gwen, 35, reels from the loss of her friendship with her college best friend, Sara, whenever she thinks about it. When Gwen met Sara in the dorm on their first day of college during their freshman year, they bonded instantly. They spent most of their time together for three years, in and out of school. They studied together; had long talks about life, love, and heartaches; and shared their innermost secrets.
While still in college, the two were involved in a terrible car accident that almost took Gwen’s life. Sara had been driving the car. “I know she felt responsible and even guilty about what happened,” says Gwen. Perhaps as a function of her own guilt, or perhaps unsure whether Gwen wanted to see her, Sara pulled away. “She visited me only a couple of times while I remained in the hospital for nearly a month,” Gwen remembers.
When Gwen returned to school, Sara came around even less. Although Gwen was quick to forgive and forget, other friends pointed out Sara’s absences, drawing attention to what they felt was bad behavior on Sara’s part, which caused Gwen to pull away as well. “Sadly, neither of us tried very hard to get things back on track,” Gwen says. “Our friendship ended.”
Gwen was devastated. On top of having