Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [43]
• Lost friendships are a part of life.
• The sudden loss of a friendship doesn’t invalidate the meaningfulness of the relationship that once was.
• Grief and mourning are normal after the loss of a good friend.
• The more important the relationship was to you, the more time it will take for you to heal.
• Every broken friendship offers lessons to inspire better ones in the future.
• Blame isn’t the answer, since it impedes forgiveness and provokes anger.
• Closure doesn’t take two; it’s something you can work on independently.
DO A REALITY CHECK
If you are the one who has been left, acknowledge the hurt and disappointment. It’s very easy to feel dismissed, rejected, and as if you got the short end of the stick. You’re probably mourning your loss at the same time as you are feeling miffed. Some research suggests that forgiveness is good for your health—so it’s in your best interest to get over whatever is bothering you, even though it may take some effort on your part.
It isn’t easy, but step back and try not to take it personally. Find new ways to frame what happened so you understand your friend’s perspective and can hopefully avoid making the same mistake again. Remember that friendships usually don’t last forever.
It’s a mistake to think that the ending of a close relationship invalidates the authenticity of what came before. That is simply not true. At the time that you and she clicked, your stars were aligned. Try to think about the things you learned and gained from the relationship.
Taking an active role in allowing the friendship to end will help you start to heal. Most importantly: regain control of your own life by involving yourself with other old friends, cultivating new ones, and getting pleasure out of experiences with people and activities you enjoy.
CHAPTER 5
SPOTTING A TOXIC FRIENDSHIP
“What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?”
—GEORGE ELIOT (MARY ANN EVANS)
Some friendships weren’t meant to be from the get-go, while others take a fairly disastrous turn along the way. It may be that one or both of you has never fully acquired the skills you need to be a true friend to the other, or that the two of you slowly began to grate on each other’s nerves over time. Even the strongest friendships can ultimately become toxic.
It is important to remember that in the vast majority of cases, a “toxic friendship” refers to the friendship itself, not the people in it. That means two things: First, although your friendship might have been toxic and ended painfully, this does not necessarily mean your ex-friend was a toxic or bad person—it was something about the friendship that was failing one or both of you. Second, it means that it is important to reflect on your own role in the creation of the relationship, and where you might have been inadvertently contributing to its toxicity. Sometimes, when we are able to diagnose our own shortcomings, we are able to better understand those of our friends and ex-friends. If you’re among the legions of women who have been dumped by a former best friend, reflecting on these possibilities sometimes helps heal the anger and distrust you suffered at the breakup.
Theoretically, friends can and should play an important role in reducing stress and providing support, but that’s not always the case. You probably have heard the term “toxic friend”—the stereotypical mean, catty, unfaithful, judgmental, undermining woman—from whom you should run, not walk, in the opposite direction. But things aren’t that easy.
Even the best of friends have occasional conflicts and disappoint each other from time to time. However, a toxic friendship is one that is consistently, or more often than not, unequal, non-reciprocal, demanding, clingy, stress-inducing, demeaning, and/or unsupportive. Most of the time, toxicity is unintentional. Often, it is at least partly the responsibility of both parties. But that does not make it less harmful or frustrating.
A toxic friend could be the friend who makes you cringe each time