Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [44]
When it comes to friendships, people are all a bit less than perfect, and their relationships are rarely all good or all bad. Even when you spot the danger signs of toxicity, they are usually subtle rather than glaring, especially at first blush, because they generally play themselves out within the context of a longer-term relationship. The friend who once seemed so caring and attentive may turn out to be extremely intrusive and possessive. Or you grow to recognize that the friend who once appeared to walk on water has more than her share of personality flaws, some of them fatal.
Because our friendships are laden with emotions, it’s often hard to tease out fact from fantasy. Also, who wants to be the one to tell a friend that she is toxic? Or be the one to hear she herself is toxic from her friend?
COULD YOU BE A TOXIC FRIEND?
It’s easier to recognize blemishes or faults in someone else than it is to take ownership of one’s own imperfections. The psychological defense mechanism called “projection” is sometimes the culprit. Projection protects the ego from acknowledging its weaknesses because the individual “projects” these characteristics onto the person being criticized. But like Shauna, whose story you will read shortly, some of us eventually come to realize that we are the ones who are sabotaging, or even poisoning, one female friendship after another.
If you’ve been dumped repeatedly, you have to at least entertain the possibility that you have some characteristics or minor peccadilloes that have contributed toxicity to one or more of your relationships. This kind of self-reflection is always difficult, but being willing to acknowledge that you might have been part of the reason for a friendship falling apart may give you peace and help you learn for the future.
TOO NEEDY?
Shauna, 24, was shocked when her friend accused of her being too needy and dependent on other people. “I admit that it’s hard to hear, especially since I can’t stand that kind of behavior in others,” she says. “But even more than that, it is hard to hear because I have a great fear of losing people close to me. This fear isn’t that unreasonable because I’ve lost a few close friends recently to death and other complications of life, and now I’m more sensitive to the notion of losing friends. But somehow I allowed myself to believe that I needed to spend much more time than necessary with this person, and that’s not fair for anyone,” says Shauna. It’s always good to have a strong support system of friends with whom to share life’s ups and downs. However, it’s never a good idea to dump all your problems on one friend. That’s too much for anyone, and people have their own lives to deal with. “I realize now that I always have something physically or emotionally wrong with me, and those things are draining to hear or see all the time,” she says. Sometimes, it’s hard to recognize this unless one of your friends is brazen enough to gently tell you—because she cares, as Shauna’s friend did. Yet, projection is a difficult defense to overcome because blaming someone else and externalizing suggests that self-awareness and reflection are lacking. An honest friend could gently confront the individual who is projecting and remind her that she has acted in similar ways before.
Shauna realized that she needed to set some limits. She began seeing a counselor once a week and kept a journal, writing down everything going on in her life so she could keep her friends in the loop to an extent, but save them from the drama of the deeper