Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [45]
TOO VOLATILE?
Gina, 24, had experienced a string of lost friendships with women. “We weren’t able to communicate openly, resulting in unspoken feelings that erupted abruptly and ruined the relationships,” she says. “I had come to expect this and felt I couldn’t share my real feelings or be myself around other women. Why all of these friendships failed is perplexing to me,” she adds. Gina wasn’t aware that all the angry feelings she was trying to keep contained would find their way of spewing out.
If you find that there is a pattern in your fractured friendships, as Gina did, it may be because you are repeating the same behaviors over and over.
TOO MOODY?
If you have a special friendship that seems to be at risk or if you are distressed about the loss of multiple friendships, it makes sense to discuss the problem with a trusted third person; it might be another friend, a relative, or a counselor who can help you gain insight. Carol, 37, was in treatment for a mood disorder. It was her psychologist who pointed out the impact it was having on her friendships. “The reason I think my friendships ended was because of the bouts of depression and mania I was going through,” she says. It seemed like one friend after another wanted to gain some distance from the symptoms of her illness, which became overwhelming to them.
Each friend was alarmed by Carol’s neediness and by her threats of suicide, which were followed by an unsuccessful attempt. After speaking to her therapist, Carol realizes now that she was crying out for help to people who weren’t properly equipped to respond.
If you have lost a friend or two in succession, it may not be anything to worry about. But when you start to recognize a pattern of lost friendships, one after another, intermittently, or very often, it’s important to take notice. You need to consider that there may be some problem with your personality and behavior that is creating roadblocks in your ability to maintain close relationships. Or perhaps your standards and expectations are simply too high and your attitude needs to be adjusted.
Since the clinical reasons for this problem are so varied and particular to the individual, they are beyond the scope of this book. Yet it’s important to say that engaging in psychotherapy or counseling doesn’t necessarily mean that you’re “sick.” It has opened the door for many women to learn more about themselves and their friendships. In addition, relationship coaching, spiritual direction, or pastoral counseling may be other useful alternatives for taking a closer look at recurring friendship problems. Cognitive-behavioral techniques of looking at the ABC’s—the antecedents, behaviors, and consequences—can be used as self-help tools to sort out the chain of events that lead one to act in ways which hinder viable friendships.
TOXIC BUILDUP
As I’ve mentioned, toxicity more commonly characterizes a relationship, not one individual, and tends to build up over time as two people get to better know one another. Toxicity in a friendship manifests itself in different ways, including emotional and physical exhaustion, or even headaches or other physical symptoms after you’ve spent time with the friend in question. Often, you may realize on some level that the friendship isn’t making you happy, but you may experience guilt or fear at the idea of absenting yourself from the worsening situation.
Ellen was beginning to feel horrible for the negative feelings she had toward her good friend. “My friend Joanna called me every single day, and left really lengthy voice mails on my phone when I didn’t answer,” she says. They never had an argument and had been good friends for some time. How could she ignore her friend’s phone calls? According to Ellen, she had good reason. “I’d try to talk to her about things that were going on in my life, and she’d listen, but as soon as I finished talking Joanna would say something like ‘Oh, well the other