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day at work something really funny happened.’” Ellen realized that Joanna wasn’t really listening; she was just waiting her turn to jump in with whatever she had to say. For Ellen, these conversations felt devoid of any give-and-take. No matter what the topic, it always turned back to what was going on with Joanna. “The thing I remember most was the day I had to put my dog down,” says Ellen. “I called her and asked her to go for a walk so we could talk about things. The entire time we were together she talked about her ex-boyfriend, a guy she had broken up with a month before.” It was as if a light bulb went off and Ellen finally realized why her relationship with Joanna was so unsatisfying. She wanted a friend who would listen to her, in the same way she would listen to her. “I am tired of always being the one who listens and gives support,” she says. “I want a friend who can catch me when I fall.” Ellen’s needs were modest and not unreasonable but they were unattainable from Joanna, who was too narcissistic and self-involved to meet them. While Ellen worked for the friendship, Joanna seemingly wasn’t able to.

In the case of Lily and Kate, recognizing toxicity took some time because of the natural tendency to overlook negatives in a relationship that offers rewards. Lily and Kate were both single moms when they met at a neighborhood gym. They felt so comfortable with each other that, almost immediately, they began revealing the intimate backstories of their lives. Kate’s drug-addicted mother had given her up for adoption when she was less than five years old. Lily admired Kate’s intelligence, savvy, and ability to converse about anything. Their friendship centered largely around their kids, who were close in age and enjoyed playing together, so the two women got together quite often. Over the years, Lily felt like an aunt to Kate’s first son, who was like a cousin to her daughter, Missy. From the beginning of their friendship, Lily sensed that Kate had an uncomfortable edge to her personality. She was sarcastic and quick to anger, but Lily explained it away as a remnant of her traumatic past. “I knew she was headstrong and opinionated but accepted that,” says Lily. There were times when she worried about her friend and even pitied her. She watched Kate go through female friends like other women go through cheap pantyhose. Lily would hear Kate say something mean or cutting, without any awareness that she was hurting another person’s feelings. Noticing this trend caused Lily to gradually withdraw her total trust. “I realized she might turn on me one day, too,” says Lily. It made Lily feel uncomfortable, but she continued to make allowances for her friend. Anyway, she didn’t want to think about it because she enjoyed being with Kate more than any other friend she had met since she became a mom.

Now, after a decade of friendship, Lily says she could “write a book” about all the hateful things Kate said about her and the insults she heaped on her daughter, Missy. She feels that she overlooked and explained away the attacks for too long. “Kate was rude to me and her own family, and especially to waitstaff, baristas, and anyone in the service industry, as if she were a queen,” says Lily.

Both women eventually remarried, first Lily and then Kate. That was when the gap between them grew even wider. “Kate married for money,” says Lily. “She made it clear to her family and me that her plan was to marry someone with money, have a few more kids, and never ever have to work again. She called her husband a ‘meal ticket’ and began to cheat on him, saying she wasn’t attracted to him,” says Lily. Over time, the two women saw less and less of each other. Kate and her family relocated to another state and Lily felt a sense of relief with the increased distance between them. The factors that brought Lily and Kate together are understandable. Kate was engaging, fun-loving, and could be charming when she wanted to be. The two women were both single moms of kids around the same age in a community that seemed to be coupled-off, and Lily felt