Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [48]
Identifying the Signs of a Toxic Friendship
• Does scheduling time together feel like an obligation rather than a pleasure?
• Is the friendship a constant source of irritation?
• Do either of you feel trapped when you are together?
• Do you feel tense in each other’s presence?
• Do you feel like one friend is always trying to show off at the other’s expense?
• Are you there for one another when needed?
• Are either of you self-centered, sneaky, deceitful, or disloyal ?
• Do one or both of you show habitually bad judgment?
• Does one friend consistently feel like she is giving more than she is getting?
• Does the relationship feel curiously out-of-sync?
• Do you feel emotionally drained when you are together?
• Do either of you come away from one another feeling depressed?
• Is one friend always the “listener” and the other the “talker”?
• Do either of you dread each other’s phone calls?
• Does either of you hate to see the other’s screen name online when you look at your buddy list?
• Do your friend’s emails feel too long to read?
• Given a choice, would one of you always choose to spend time with someone other than your friend?
• Have you done anything to undermine each other personally or professionally?
• Have you simply grown in different directions?
• Can you trust each other to keep confidences?
• Has one of you betrayed the other?
Because Clare’s choice of jokes came off as mean-spirited, they impaired her female friendships. Since she realized she had that tendency, she should have been walking on eggshells, being particularly careful to not blurt out anything she would later regret. But, as was apparent from her repeated blunders, she has been unable to self-monitor. Friends felt for her the embarrassment she did not feel, which made them want to distance themselves from her.
Ironically, by nature, Clare was a quiet person who may have been using her humor to diffuse the tension and anxiety she felt when she was with other people. Having a quick wit and good sense of humor can be a gift because it is a powerful tool for connecting with people. But Clare needed to hone her social skills and channel her talent for humor in positive ways so that it enhanced her friendships rather than fractured them.
If you honestly review the signs of a toxic friendship discussed in this chapter, you may begin to think about your own role in a friendship that isn’t working. Are you too secretive, competitive, or jealous of your friends? Are you asking, or demanding, too much of your friends and failing to maintain the boundaries necessary for healthy relationships? Or are you finding that you have so many more problems than anyone around you that you feel entitled to dump them on others?
Your answers will make the next steps you need to take clearer. However, female friendships are always complex. Just as the laws of friendship aren’t cast in stone, neither can friends be categorized as either entirely healthy or wholly toxic. Friendships exist on a continuum and most fall somewhere in between.
If there is an upside to a toxic relationship, it is this: it will serve as a yardstick by which to measure future friendships that seem draining and, perhaps, help to avoid them.
THE RELUCTANCE TO LET GO
As women, we invest so much of ourselves in our female friends that it’s natural to have a hard time thinking about losing them or letting go, regardless of who they are, whether we are the one who is dumped or the one who decides to dump someone else. Because of the sense of guilt, failure, and stigma associated with a failed friendship, there is no easy way to go about it.
Feminist psychologists have suggested that a toxic friendship is often one in which a woman’s own personal growth and individuation is sacrificed at the expense of the demands of the other person. Sometimes choosing oneself rather than the friendship is important for future personal growth and individuation.