Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [49]
Like Carol, many women overlook subtle or even more obvious signs that something is amiss. They ignore and make allowances for them, focusing on the positive when signs of toxicity rear their ugly heads. These difficulties are compounded when there is a long shared history with fond memories and the boundaries of the friendship have expanded to encompass other friends or family.
The thought of tugging on the string that might unravel the friendship can be so unbearable that we deceive ourselves until the day when we have an ah-ha! experience. Suddenly, discomfort with the friendship becomes so apparent that we realize we just have to let go. That’s what finally hit Carol. Kate’s self-centeredness and impaired moral compass were always fatal flaws as far as Carol was concerned, but in the hope of preserving her friendship, she made excuses for Kate time after time.
THE SUBTLE SIGNS OF TOXICITY
Whether consciously or not, many women go through a weeding-out process, eliminating friends who turn out to be more trouble than they’re worth. One woman called it “relationship-editing .” By virtue of this process, some friendships end, others are dumped, and some relationships wither away ambiguously.
How do you know when it’s time to cut the cord and let go of a friend? Unless you are grappling with a fatal flaw or heinous behavior (e.g., a friend who is sleeping with your lover, or a friend who strikes your child), the signs of a friendship gone sour aren’t always readily apparent. Here are some clues:
1 : THE FRIENDSHIP IS HIGH-MAINTENANCE
Like a seesaw, friendships tilt in one direction and then another. Sometimes we are on the giving end and sometimes the receiving. It’s normal and expected for one friend to be needier at different points in the relationship—either in terms of time, exclusivity, or emotions. But with some friends, there’s no sense of an overarching balance or reciprocity.
Does your friend always have something going on in her life that demands a shoulder to cry on? Does she intrude into your space unannounced? Is she always trying to control you? Is she always thrusting you into the role of a therapist, a role that you are ill-equipped or unwilling to play? Does she expect you to act as a rescuer and constantly see herself as a victim? Could you say the same about yourself?
It’s not a beneficial situation when anyone, male or female, is totally dependent on another person. Maura’s relationship with her friend Anna, both of them 35 years old, became so one-sided that it placed a strain on Maura’s marriage.
The two women had kids who were born two months apart. “I went to Gymboree and met three other women who became my friends. I introduced Anna to them and she expected to become one of five, but I had a very special relationship with the other three,” says Maura. “She would yell at me when I would go to a playdate at one of their homes, asking me why I didn’t tell them to invite her.”
When Anna’s husband was diagnosed with cancer, she started leaning on Maura more and more, talking to her on the phone or visiting her for not one or two hours per night, but three or four. “My husband started saying things like, ‘Why don’t you go marry Anna?’” After hearing her husband’s frustration, Maura finally realized that Anna had become too intrusive and needy, and that she had to establish boundaries to protect herself and her family.
For many women, there is a defining moment when they realize that a friend isn’t there for them in the way they should be, or worse yet, that the friend is simply a self-absorbed taker who consistently is only out for herself. As women recounted their stories, they mentioned hurts that occurred decades ago that still haunt them. While not every relationship has to be fifty-fifty, it can’t be totally tilted in one direction or the other, as happened to Rhianna.
Rhianna, 52, was living in Washington, D.C. when her close college