Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [50]
“When I called back, Leila told me that her hubby, Henry, had a business meeting planned in D.C. and it would be great if they could visit and stay at my apartment,” says Rhianna. “It took a lot of nerve for her to bird-dog me when I waited weeks for her to call me back,” she says. “I’m not a hotel and taxi service,” says Rhianna. “Leila only visited me when it made for a convenient layover.” She realized that her friend was so self-absorbed that she probably didn’t even know how offensive she had been.
When the two women and a third college friend planned a girl’s weekend in Los Angeles, Leila brought her husband, who was happy to be chauffeured around and slept on their friend’s couch. When the group went out for dinner, he asked for a separate check and made no offer to pay for their host. Rhianna finally put her foot down. Leila and her husband had mooched off her one too many times. “I wasn’t going to put one more ounce of effort into the friendship,” she says. “I was done and was sure I wouldn’t feel a loss.”
Rhianna’s friendship with Leila may not have had a very strong foundation from the start—certainly, in recent years it was a relationship built primarily on past history and memories of their college days. But Rhianna wasn’t willing to be used any longer. It was time to let go of something she sensed had been lost a long time ago.
A high-maintenance friend may be one who is unwilling to put energy into the relationship. She always expects the other person to be the one who initiates the calls and figures out a reason to get together. She breaks appointments and leaves her friend in the lurch when the next best thing comes along. When any of these behaviors become consistent patterns, it should make you stop and think about the worth of the friendship.
2 : THE FRIENDSHIP FEELS SUFFOCATING
Some friendships feel like an emotional ball and chain. The friend is always in need of one thing or another: money, favors, help, attention, coddling, praise—or simply more time than you have to give. Like a wailing toddler, they can be so demanding that their friendship is exhausting.
She’s a drama queen. No matter what you give, what you do, how much, or how often, it will never be enough. Since character tends to endure, this person probably treats other people the same way. It’s likely that many of her friends have probably already dropped out of the picture and that’s why she is so demanding of you. One woman called a friend like this an “emotional vampire” who sucked up all her energy.
Who wants or needs that kind of friend? Many women do, actually. There are:
• those who like feeling needed—or once liked the feeling (even if they don’t anymore).
• those who feel like they aren’t worthy of healthier, more balanced relationships. or
• those who are stuck—either feeling angry or sorry for their needy friend—and feel unable to get out of it.
Once you have begun to recognize that a female friendship is a drag, you’ve taken the first step in relieving yourself of the burden.
Although most women would like to help their friends when they are down or hit bottom, at times a friend’s needs can be so overwhelming that they exceed any one woman’s ability to deal with them. For example: She’s made it clear that she wants to be your best friend—and yours alone. She is so possessive that she can’t stand the idea of you spending time with other people and is unable to tolerate a threesome. Or she expects to see you every weekend and your need for space is out of sync with hers. You would rather catch up on chores or do things with other people in your life. One woman called this a violation of her need for me-time.
She may be so controlling that she is resentful when you