Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [51]
Although they were both smart and motivated students, Elizabeth and Kim were the two “alternative” kids at their school, requiring extra help. Their parents were friends and their own friendship came easily. “We saw each other almost every day, at school and afterward,” says Elizabeth. But that closeness crossed a line and became suffocating when they stopped seeing any other friends.
“I would have liked to just cool off the friendship, but I was sixteen and impetuous. I simply ended it by not returning her calls or talking to her at school,” says Elizabeth. “I felt guilty and bad about it, but I couldn’t stand the thought of seeing her anymore—she made me feel as though I couldn’t breathe—which, of course, intensified my guilt.” Elizabeth recalls having a similar friendship during her freshman year of college. She ended that one much more quickly, because she could see—when this girl started calling her every day, multiple times a day, just wanting to “hang out”—that the friendship was headed in the same direction. As she matured, Elizabeth realized she no longer wanted friends who made her feel so needed that they overshadowed her life.
Some women seem to have a propensity for getting involved in suffocating relationships and are unable to see them for what they are. The first time they met, Karen, now in her early thirties, thought she had found a soul mate in her new friend Paige. Karen met Paige and her daughter at a children’s event. The two women hit it off, and even though Paige’s daughter was considerably younger than Karen’s, the foursome got together for a few playdates. Within a few months, Paige began calling Karen every day to complain about how hard it was to figure out naps and a feeding schedule for her daughter.
At first Karen didn’t mind giving Paige advice because her own daughter was nap-resistant as well. “But calls every day about the same subject are overwhelming,” says Karen. “Sometimes I want to go off on her because her daughter doesn’t even act out or cry, despite being overtired. She is very mellow.”
Karen had her share of problems that she could complain about. Her daughter was hyperactive, she had an infant son, and her husband had recently become unemployed. Karen says, “How come I can cope with all of this without wallowing when her life is comparatively easy and she couldn’t even figure out a schedule for her child without daily support from me?” Karen has not cut off her relationship with Paige, but she has clearly reached the point where she feels the need to scale it back so she doesn’t feel suffocated.
The relationship between Jen and Samantha, who are both 25 years old, also became overwhelming. The two women had been friends since childhood. Having no siblings of their own, they felt like sisters and spent much of their free time together. As Jen began dating, Samantha grew increasingly jealous, claiming that Jen wasn’t spending enough time with her. “She would show up at restaurants, movies, sporting events, etc. while I was out with my dates, making them as well as me feel uncomfortable,” says Jen. “It began to feel like I was being stalked.” She told Samantha she needed more space, but her friend was unable to understand or unwilling to respect her needs. “She was even upset when I spent time with my family,” says Jen. “The last straw was when she demanded that I set aside time for her each day.”
Eventually it becomes intolerable to be with someone who has a sense of boundaries that violate your own.
Signs of a Suffocating Relationship
• She wants to be your one and only.
• She consumes too much of your time.
• She tries to