Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [5]
Not every failed friendship comes full circle and ties together so neatly at the end. But when you look analytically at friendships, yours and those of other women, you are able to see some of the myths that pervade the culture of friendship and make breakups painful. “You grow from these experiences, learning to be more accepting and not to do those [same] things again,” says one woman.
Much of what women learn about female friendships from their mothers, teachers, and girlfriends are clichés that bear little resemblance to real life and their own experiences. Women tenaciously cling to the belief that a lost friendship is a fluke—a once-in-a-lifetime heartache, an anomaly, an exceptional circumstance—that will never happen to them again. (If only this were true!) Still others succumb to the natural tendency to dig deep: to figure out exactly why the friendship failed. They spill their guts to coworkers, therapists, spouses, boyfriends, other friends, or whoever else will listen, to make sense of their experience. Many others are too embarrassed or even ashamed to talk about their losses. They swear off best friends entirely, saying never again. They resolve to protect themselves by keeping a safe distance from other women, sometimes deciding that they can only trust men.
As I heard the stories of hundreds of women, I realized that although the specifics were different, there were many common themes. It became abundantly clear that female friendships are shrouded in myths that need to be reexamined:
Common Friendship Myths
Myth Best friends are forever.
Reality Most friendships don’t last forever, even the best of them. Rather, the large majority of friendships tend to be fragile and impermanent relationships over a season of our lives. It’s not unusual for best friends, who once played leading roles in the story of our lives, to fade away completely or only to return to make a cameo appearance. The quality of a relationship rather than its duration is a more realistic measure of the meaningfulness of a friendship.
Myth The meanings of the terms friend and friendship are universal.
Reality While the need for friends and friendship is universal, the terms are subjective and vary in meaning depending on who is using them and how they are being used. Every woman has different needs and expectations of friendship, needs that are shaped by genetics and environment.
Myth You can only have one best friend.
Reality Most women relish being the chosen one, the best friend. However, friendships characterized by exclusivity and jealousy are more likely to be pathological ones. It is more realistic to think about having simultaneous or sequential best friendships, each one special and meaningful in its own way. For example, there may be a friend from your past who knows your history; a mom-friend, so you can have playdates for your kids; a shopping friend who knows all the best bargain haunts; a kindred spirit to understand your emotions; philosopher friend who challenges your intellect; and an outgoing friend who can introduce you to other people. Each of these friendships is distinctly important in your life, and choosing only one or designating which woman you are closest to may be unnecessary.
Myth You only need one best friend.
Reality Unless she is superwoman, no one friend can be it all or do it all. Different friends enrich our lives in different ways. If you depend on one person for everything, she may start to feel like you are sucking her dry. Women need to liberate themselves from that one-or-none thinking. It is often more viable to patch together a few different satisfying friendships to substitute for the perfect best friend.
Myth A friendly person will always have close friends.