• Choose a category
• All
• Classic-Fiction

Reality There are times when it is more or less difficult for even very sociable women to sustain their close friendships (e.g., it may be more challenging when there are other competing demands, such as family or career), and women tend to have greater needs for friendships when they are single, widowed, divorced, or retired. When it comes to friendships, it can be feast or famine, with periods of addition and attrition.

Myth A best friend is always supportive.

Reality Hopefully not. A best friend may need to tell you things that sound negative, or that you don’t want to hear. For example, if you are engaging in self-destructive or unhealthy behaviors, she may confront you because your well-being is more important than the risk of alienating you.

Myth All friendships are inherently good.

Reality Not all friendships are good for you. Some may well be toxic, and even good ones aren’t necessarily good all the time.

Myth Technology is a friendship-killer.

Reality Many women worry that the time we spend on cell phones, PDAs, and computers takes away from face time, and is potentially destructive to friendships. Not so: new modes of communication have made it possible to enhance our female friendships. Asynchronous communication (such as e-mail, which doesn’t require two people to be available at precisely the same time) facilitates staying connected across miles and different time zones.

Myth Having a best friend is like looking in a mirror; she is a reflection of you, your values, and your attitudes.

Reality Some best friends seem like our twins but are really attractive to us because they have qualities or characteristics of the person we aspire to become. Differences—in cultures, hobbies, or outlooks, for example—can add zest to a relationship, and enable us to grow and learn new ways of being.

Myth Best friends never argue and their relationship is conflict-free.

Reality To keep a friendship going, friends need to communicate and work out the conflicts that inevitably occur. If a close relationship is totally conflict-free, at least one of you is probably swallowing hard and seething inside.

Myth You should be able to say whatever you want to a true friend.

Reality: You can say what you want, but some words hurt so much and are felt so deeply that they will never be forgotten and can result in the demise of a friendship.

Myth It always pays to be honest when you are ending a friendship.

Reality: Perhaps you can’t stand being with your friend because she is stuck in an affair with a married man that you know will come to an unhappy end. After many long conversations, you realize that she’s unable to hear your concerns, let alone act on them. You can lash out at her in frustration and tell her you think she’s a fool, or you can tell her you want to spend your time with friends who can spend more time with you. It may be more prudent, as well as more humane, to tell the white lie and preserve the feelings of your once-close friend. The latter approach leaves the door open for reconciliation.

Myth When a friendship fractures, you’ll soon get over it.

Reality: Yes, you will get over it, but getting over such a loss may be slow and painful. With time, you will be able to accept what has happened and you’ll grow to appreciate the good parts of the friendship as well as the lessons you learned. Really!

This guide is intended to empower women of all ages to better understand their friendships; to recognize and accept the inevitable fragility of these relationships; to identify the red flags that signal problems (sooner rather than later); to reexamine some pervasive myths; to understand what makes a friendship worth saving; to help women break out of the emotionally confining shackles of toxic friendships that stifle personal growth and happiness; and to recognize the self-defeating patterns of behavior that may be impeding, impairing, or destroying their friendships. Most of all, I hope it will allow them to recover and to trust again after a