Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [56]
Almost every woman has had a friendship like Chelsea and Erica’s: a friendship that was once very close but has grown more distant over time. There’s a friend who probably is still in your address book; you may even remember her e-mail address or cell phone number by heart. If you saw each other you might still have warm feelings, but there isn’t enough of a reason to get in touch or arrange to get together. There wasn’t any disagreement or specific end point, but your relationship fizzled out. If someone asked about your relationship, you might respond: “We were friends some time ago.” The relationship is ambiguous, seemingly on some kind of hold or hiatus, because neither of you know what to do with it. For reasons that you may not know or have never explored, you’ve drifted apart. Perhaps one of you changed or you both “outgrew” each other.
It feels puzzling, and sometimes uncomfortable, when a relationship with a best friend or a close friend starts to feel curiously out-of-sync for no apparent reason. Two friends who once meshed seamlessly move apart and are either bickering or feel bored when they’re together. Yet there’s no obvious reason for the demise of the once-close relationship.
Ironically, the same circumstances that make female friendships coalesce also make them vulnerable to dissolution. Women inevitably undergo a series of transitions over the course of their lives. At the same time, two individuals are maturing and changing, moving away or staying put, with no two lives following the same path. With all these transitions, there are lucky times when a friendship between two women sticks and other times, like a bad roll of the dice, when it falls apart.
Most times, once-close relationships fizzle or die a slow death unmarked by a confrontation or even a discussion. Some women describe it as a drifting away, with one or both friends lacking sufficient motivation to do anything to save the relationship. In essence, these friendships are seasonal, lasting only for a certain period of our lives when, metaphorically, all the stars are aligned. This does not, however, mean that they do not make a serious impact on the lives of the women involved, or that their passing will go unnoticed and unfelt.
As happened with Chelsea and Erica, drifting apart usually occurs slowly, almost imperceptibly. One or both women may feel like they don’t have time for the other person anymore. But even if we deny it or make excuses, in truth, how we choose to spend our time and with whom reflects our priorities.
Another clue suggesting that friends are growing distant: differences that once were not only tolerated, but may have been enjoyed or admired, now become mildly annoying or even irritating. The friends may hang on to one another for quite some time or a specific change in circumstances—a graduation, move, pregnancy, career change, marriage, or divorce—may deliver the final death knell that provokes a convenient excuse for one of the friends to end the relationship.
Life Transitions That Affect Friendships
• Graduation
• Marriage or Coupling
• Motherhood
• Geographical Moves
• Pregnancy and Childbirth
• Infertility
• Career Changes or Job Loss
• Change in Socioeconomic Status
• Personal or Family Illness
• Mental, Emotional, or Substance Abuse Problems
• Major Caregiving Responsibilities
• Death of a Close Friend or Relative
• Accidents, Traumas, or Disability
• Significant Lifestyle Changes
THE INEVITABILITY OF CHANGE AND LOSS IN FRIENDSHIPS
The experience of two female friends growing apart is commonplace as early as childhood. Students cry on graduation day, whether in elementary school, middle school, high school or college, because everyone knows that these events herald the loss of at least some friendships. Geographical moves can also uproot a friendship. As easy as it