Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [57]
In high school, adolescent girls often leave friends behind as they fall into different crowds, have different interests, become boy-crazy, get wrapped up in competitive sports, or get involved with alcohol, sex, and/or drugs. Graduations from high school or college are also turning points when people move to different cities and develop their own lifestyles.
Research suggests that there may be a growing friendship deficit with people being less able to sustain the various relationships they make. A seminal study published in the American Sociological Review in 2006 reported that the circle of close friends held by Americans over the past two decades has shrunk markedly and that close ties are more family-based. The researchers also reported that the number of people who said that they had no close confidants had doubled.
MOVING ON
Kellie, 21, and Lauren were best friends who bonded over the many “firsts” they shared with each other. They entered high school at the same time, appeared in theater productions together, and took a cross-country bus trip over a summer vacation. They talked about their secret crushes, their close bond providing each other with self-confidence. They even both wound up in the principal’s office because they were laughing so hard at a joke told to them by another student in English class.
“Then she just stopped putting forth any effort to maintain the friendship after we graduated from high school,” says Kellie. Lauren went to college a few hours away and Kellie stuck closer to home. Each time Kellie called, Lauren would respond, “Yes, I’d love to hang out. I will call you later this week!” and never did. When this happened several times over three years, Kellie eventually gave up on her friend, but it still bothers her. She felt hurt and offended. “If she didn’t want to hang out with me, all she had to do was tell me,” says Kellie. “It just made me feel stupid.”
Although Lauren provided Kellie with no clue as to why she distanced herself, it is likely that in college she found new friends whose company she may have enjoyed more at that point in her life than she did Lauren’s. Moving away from home exposed Lauren to a new set of people and experiences that changed her as a person; she may have adopted a new set of friends with different values and interests.
When there hasn’t been any discussion or closure, it makes it hard to understand, heal, and move forward, as was the case for Kellie. The pain can be long-lasting and emotionally consuming. Another woman who had grown apart from her best friend told me, “After it became apparent that we were no longer truly ‘friends,’ I was sad,” she says. “That feeling lasted for several years and still remains today.”
Another woman I met handled a similar situation in a different way, with a better outcome. She, too, decided to move on to greener pastures, essentially ditching a friend she had grown weary of, the timing coinciding with her move to another city, but out of respect for her once-close friend she called her and asked her to lunch before she left town.
She candidly told her friend that she really cherished all the good times they had together but she needed to concentrate on making new friends in her new city, as much as she was tempted to hold on to the past. Her friend was disappointed but accepted her decision.
Several months later, the woman realized that she really did miss her old friend and hadn’t made as many new connections as she had hoped to. The two friends began to meet one weekend every other month for a relaxed lunch and shopping at a mall halfway between them. With less frequent contact, there was much more to share between them.
A former neighbor on my block told me in confidence that she was going to move at the end of the school year. She asked me to please not tell a soul because she was worried that other moms wouldn’t agree to playdates with