Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [59]
Just Married: Keeping the Friendship Alive
If you are always a bridesmaid but never a bride, it may be tough (both emotionally and logistically) to maintain relationships with best friends who get married. Valerie Krause, co-author of The Bridal Wave with Erin Torneo, offers sage advice for a close friend of the bride who feels betrayed on some level, but wants to stay attached to her friend. Some of her suggestions are applicable to a variety of situations.
• Be understanding. Try to put yourself in her ballet slippers. Good friends have to understand that the bride’s life and her priorities have changed. Her fiancé is her best friend (hopefully!) and everyone else has probably slid down a notch.
• Get comfortable being a third wheel. The bride is signing up for a lifetime with this guy so the good friend is going to have to get used to hanging with both of them. If invited, and without wearing out your welcome, be flexible about spending time as a threesome. As time goes by, there may be more time for you and your friend to spend alone.
• Reset your watch. Maybe she’s busy on Saturday nights, but you can both sign up for morning yoga classes, weekly brunches, or both! Either way, the good friend should make some allowances for the bride. Don’t punish her when she calls when her guy is out of town by refusing to hang out. To the contrary, seize these increasingly rare opportunities and go with the flow.
Making New Couple-Friends
• If he doesn’t already know them, prepare your partner for the meeting by giving him some background on the people he will be meeting.
• Prepare your girlfriend by explaining that just because you think the world of each other, the men may not hit it off, or you may find that their presence puts a strain on both of you.
• Plan the initial meeting at a low-key and neutral setting, perhaps a restaurant, and split the bill.
• If the men don’t feel a spark for one another, make sure that any future couple get-togethers are infrequent and don’t call for lots of interaction (e.g., catching a movie together followed by coffee rather than lingering over a long dinner).
• If the meeting bombs completely, talk to your girlfriend about it (without casting blame) and tell her that you hope it won’t interfere with your friendship.
New mothers (whether in the workplace or at home), for example, who are responsible for one or more kids, often feel isolated, alone, and bereft of female friendships. In addition, they’re often busy and exhausted.
When a woman gives birth, it changes the delicate balance between two friends. Even while they are pregnant, mothers fall in love with their babies and form an impenetrable attachment. The new mom may be more distracted and self-involved, leaving less time and emotional energy for her friends. After she gives birth, babies demand so much attention that Mom may be tethered to her new role and responsibilities, allowing even the best of her friendships to take a backseat to baby. She may think and talk about her baby continuously, not noticing that her childless friend is bored silly with her babbling.
The childless friend may feel like she has been knocked down a notch—and in reality, she has been! She may feel a sense of loss, and wonder when she can call or visit without being intrusive. She may feel hurt when the new mother says she only has a few moments to speak. Her friend is no longer as accessible as she was. If the childless