Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [60]
The Mother-Friend Connection
A 2002 survey in Child Magazine found that women who had previously spent fourteen hours per week with friends spent only five hours per week after they became mothers.
Friends need to recognize this dynamic in friendships and work around it. It may require adapting the friendship to the changed situation. The women may need to talk on the phone when the baby is napping or sleeping. They may need to plan girls’ nights out when a spouse or relative can provide childcare. Getting together with a friend once a week or twice a month for a movie and dinner can be a nice break for the new mother, recharging her batteries and making her a better mother. If finances are tighter, they may need to think about planning a girls’ night in.
The time friends spend together may need to be scheduled in advance and may have to consist of getting things done. For example, the friends can set up a regular appointment to have their nails manicured or their hair cut to maintain continuity in their relationship and have face-time with each other. Or they can use their time together to take care of chores, like grocery shopping and other things on the new mom’s to-do list. In general, the friendship may not be as spontaneous, relaxing, or intense as it once was. The childless friend needs to be sensitive of the new strains on her friend, perhaps be less demanding, and even offer to help. She may need to broaden her circle of friends of she wants people to go out with on a day-to-day basis.
If the friendship is important, the two women need to make compromises so that it works for both of them. They need to recognize that this is a phase of life and roles may reverse at a later time. Flexibility and open communication are key. The new mother can find ways to meaningfully engage the childless friend in her new life by introducing her to the world of motherhood (for example, offering to let her hold and play with the baby or babysitting occasionally—making sure that she isn’t burdening her or asking too much). In short, she can invite her to be part of her new life and that of her child rather than making her feel cut off from it.
She can initiate a conversation about how much the friendship still means to her. Realistically, with less time available, the new mother will need to be more strategic in carving out time for female friends—and in choosing the friends with whom she wants to spend her limited time. Unfortunately, there may be situations that are so rife with conflict and unmet expectations that the friendship becomes unsatisfying to one or both women. If either of them is rigid and unwilling to alter the nature of the relationship, it can lead to constant tension and disappointment. In that case, it might be better for the friendship to take a hiatus.
In contrast to married moms, younger women, single women, and older divorced and widowed women generally have more time and emotional energy to cultivate and nurture best friends. Hopefully, simply being aware of these natural ebbs and flows in the friendship cycle enables women to better understand their own needs and to be forgiving of their friends. When a friendship is important, women need to find a way to renegotiate its terms as changes in the lifecycle occur.
EXPERIENCING LOSS
Unexpected losses can alter many aspects of a woman’s life, including her friendships. As a result, some bonds of friendship are strengthened while others come unhinged. Women may find themselves thrust into sisterhoods new to them—depending on the circumstances, it may be groups of breast cancer survivors, divorcees, widows, or the unemployed—that offer new opportunities for friendship and support.
When my friend Mickey Goodman lost her husband, it threw her friendships into a tale spin. “There are books, pamphlets, and Web sites devoted to practical matters that must be dealt with following the death of a spouse: