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Women who have known each other since childhood, who have experienced firsts in their lives together, share common ground—and a greater chance of overcoming rough patches than those with fewer ties, who come from disparate vantage points.

CHAPTER 7

MAKING THE TOUGH CALL: MEND IT OR END IT

“Friends are lost by calling often and calling seldom.”

—Proverb

Friendships—even best friendships—invariably change and evolve as the people in them change and evolve, and sometimes these friendships veer off course. Should that situation arise, you need to be poised to take stock and decide whether to mend them or end the friendship. If you are certain a friendship is toxic and beyond repair, you should trust your instincts and let go. But friendships, like most of the rest of life, are rarely black-and-white; they are almost always shades of gray. Even in scenarios where it is clear that the relationship should come to an end, there are ways to make the break easier both on your soon-to-be-ex-friend and on yourself—not to mention the people who are close to you both.

NO TURNING BACK?

Just as opting for major surgery without exploring all the options and possible outcomes isn’t wise, making decisions about excising a friendship should never be made lightly without thinking through the consequences. In some sense, ending a friendship is likely to be a one-way street, so you need to assess your feelings and the significance of the friendship before you act in haste and say or do things you wish you hadn’t. Ending a friendship is always emotionally charged and often very stressful—no less stressful than ending a romantic relationship with someone you still care about.

Based on the data I’ve collected over the past two years, fractured or fracturing friendships are only salvageable about 50 percent of the time. When these friendships are renewed, they are often only partial successes; many women say that the second time around, the friendship is “not nearly as close,” “not like it used to be,” or “never back to where we were.” Others used qualifiers to describe their reconciliations; they have “somewhat” reconciled, they are “sort of ” friends again, and they are able to confide in each other “to a degree.” One woman summed it up, saying: “Once trust is broken, relationships are more fragile and more at arm’s length.”

You may be able to resume the relationship with your friend on some level, but it will be unalterably changed. The truth is that while some close friendships can be mended, they almost never reconstitute with the same degree of intimacy and intensity. Thus, it’s important not to burn bridges prematurely or unnecessarily.

It’s equally important to remember that once you have brought up this often difficult conversation with your friend, in all likelihood neither of you will be able to forget it or fully put it behind you. So choosing words and timing wisely is crucial to causing both your friend and yourself as little pain as possible. In some cases, the best decision is to never have the conversation at all.

So how do you decide what’s best in your situation? Start by asking yourself the following questions:

• Do you understand and accept the potential consequences?

• Do you owe your friend the courtesy of being direct and honest with her?

• Is a confrontation likely to cause a knock-down drag-out fight that makes you both miserable?

• On some level, are you hoping that a confrontation will lead to your friend’s changing her behavior?

• Are those hopes and expectations realistic?

• Are your complaints or disappointments ones that she could remedy?

• Being honest with yourself, on some level, do you want to cause her pain to punish her for the pain she’s caused you?

• Do you genuinely believe that being honest with her might help her or serve as a wake-up call for fixing her own life or other relationships?

As you think through these questions, try to be as honest with