Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [66]
Although Vikki’s mood swings were pathological, it can also be a downer to have a friend who always seems to be blue or who suffers from low-grade depression. One barometer you can use to tell if a friend is depressed is to spend time with her and to see how you feel. One woman realized that her friend was becoming increasingly negative about everything in her life. They would meet for lunch and she would leave feeling blue, not renewed. She was going through a separation and didn’t have the emotional energy required for such a downer relationship.
Many women have friends who suffer from an addiction. Whether it is using drugs or alcohol, shoplifting or gambling, it can be taxing to see your friend engage in self-destructive behaviors with little regard for the people they are hurting.
Bridget, 39, had a friend named Jan who was in recovery for drug addiction for many years. “Though Jan continues on her path of sobriety and self-discovery, a lot has changed over time,” says Bridget, who feels she can no longer handle the relationship. “I think one of the main things for me was her lack of reciprocity,” says Jan. “I went through so much with her, was always there for her emotionally—put up with many relapses, lots of drama, and in the end, when I got married, she couldn’t deal with my happiness.” Although Bridget still feels pained by the loss, in the end she feels that the relationship was unfair. She has decided that she will no longer befriend people who aren’t “in control of their demons.”
One of the complications of having a friend with emotional or substance abuse problems is that in addition to problems with judgment these disorders are often characterized by lack of insight. Sharon, 43, and Kate were close friends whose friendship also extended to their families. Everyone joked that they did everything together—vacations, dinners, and birthdays. It was clear that they enjoyed each other’s company immensely. But a couple of years into the relationship, Sharon found out that Kate had a serious problem with alcohol and drugs. As the problem went unchecked, Kate began taking more risks to hide her habit and seemed to care little about the consequences.
“She stole from us, lied, and put our son in danger while driving under the influence without a license,” says Sharon. “We did everything we could and more for her, including making efforts to get her help when her husband couldn’t face up to the problems she was having. But our efforts failed and we realized we could no longer sustain the relationship.”
Sharon stopped taking her friend’s calls and told the rest of her family the reasons for her decision. She felt that it was useless to talk to Kate, who was in total denial about her problems. “For about a year and a half, I thought about her every day. I couldn’t stop crying until I became very angry,” she says. Sharon suspects that if Kate ever gets her problem under control, the two women could easily get back to where they once were. But addiction is a medical problem that is difficult to resolve.
This isn’t to say that people with problems are incapable of strong and enduring friendships, but their illness can impact their friendships in ways that are often difficult to handle or understand.
THE SIGNIFICANCE OF SHARED HISTORY
With the inherent vulnerability and volatility of friendships, it’s hard to predict with any certainty why one challenged friendship will survive and another fall apart. But often a history of shared experiences provides the glue that enables friends to stick together and to keep their relationship cemented during rocky times. Such was the case of the remarkable friendships chronicled by Jeffrey Zaslow in The Girls from Ames: A Story of Women and a Forty-Year Friendship.
When misunderstandings, disappointments, or disagreements occur, they are easier to overlook or to get over in the context of a friendship that has history and longevity. Being able to reminisce about past events and experiences, knowing many of the same