Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [65]
Mindy is hurt and doesn’t understand what happened to the friendship even though she realizes that Faith is overwhelmed by her emotional and marital problems. It took time for her to accept that their split wasn’t caused by anything that happened between them, but Faith’s overwhelming problems made for an unstable and unpredictable friendship. The two women knew each other for a relatively short period of time, so Mindy did not know enough about Faith to realize the potential pitfalls of the friendship until it was over.
It is important to mention the inordinate difficulty and guilt women experience when they recognize that their friend may have a serious emotional problem that is affecting the relationship. Sometimes the problem is relatively new and arises during the course of the friendship; other times, it was there all the time but wasn’t previously recognized. In both cases, the situation feels so overwhelming that it has poisoned the friendship.
Marcie, now 25, met her friend Vikki when they lived together during their senior year of college. At first, Marcie enjoyed her friend’s antics; Vikki was the life of any party. Then, Marcie realized that her friend’s moods were like a roller coaster; she was either depressed or over-the-top. “She was difficult to be friends with because she experienced such extreme emotions and mood swings. She constantly tried to steal my boyfriends. At times, her wild energy was tiresome, embarrassing, or dangerous—but ultimately, she became so jealous when I made friends with another girl that she drove me away. It clarified what a negative relationship it was,” she says.
Helping a Friend Who Is Depressed
If your friend is depressed, here are some ways in which you can help and possibly make a difference:
• Listen carefully, provide support, and offer to spend some time doing things you enjoy together (taking a walk or bicycle ride, or going to a movie).
• Offer to help her with concrete tasks she can’t accomplish on her own because she feels overwhelmed or has no energy.
• Try to be patient—and never be pushy. Don’t dismiss her feelings. Show that you understand them but encourage her to realize that these feelings are only temporary and will eventually pass.
• Don’t dance around the issue. Tell your friend that you think she is depressed and needs help. Remind her that depression is a treatable illness and encourage your friend to seek treatment.
• If she resists your initial suggestion, try again but don’t nag. Don’t make demands or set ultimatums. Many depressed people need time to find their way to treatment and some people just want to be left alone.
• If you worry that your friend may be harboring suicidal thoughts, you have certain ethical obligations. Be direct and ask her if she feels suicidal. If she does, remind her that she is important to you and that she needs immediate professional help. Never allow the burden of having a depressed friend be yours alone. Be sure to inform someone else (for example, her partner or closest relative.) If you’re her partner, tell her doctor.
• Recognize that you can only be a friend, not a mental health professional, and remind your friend of that too. There is just so much that friends can do and give. You may need to reluctantly cut loose and be there for her when she begins to recover.
Marcie suspected that Vikki had an untreated mood disorder. Each time she suggested that her friend talk to a professional, her pleas were ignored. Vikki responded by saying that she didn’t really need someone to talk with as long as she had Marcie. Marcie decided to opt out of the friendship because she could no longer handle it and knew she couldn’t substitute for the help she thought Vikki needed. “I keep that in mind now