Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [69]
GIVING UP SHARED HISTORIES
There is also the collateral damage of your shared history to take into account. Why would a woman give a second thought to a friendship that seems to be offering little at the moment? One important reason is that friendships, particularly long-standing ones, are deep and rich in terms of their memories and connections to our past.
I have a few recollections of my days in college, but when my friend Vikki comes to visit, the shared memories come pouring out. Similarly, when my friend Diana comes, she reminds me of the strange antics of my first husband during that ill-fated marriage. And my friend Judy reminds me of when our children were playmates before they could even walk. Our friends are like memory books that document and archive the different passages of our lives. We need to clearly assess the likely gains and losses of writing off those irreplaceable friends.
“I have many lovely friends I’ve walked through life with,” says Erica, 42. “We do not talk daily, weekly, or even yearly, but when we do meet or speak it is as though no time has passed and we are brought back to the time when we were ladies of the past, only now we are older and wise.”
Sometimes, this means giving your friend (and yourself) the benefit of the doubt: for example, by overlooking, saying no, or holding back. Another option is to put the friendship on hold by taking a relationship break or sabbatical. You can make an excuse, tell a white lie, or make a gentle statement such as, “I’m so overwhelmed these days that I really need some time for myself. It has more to do with me than it does with you. I hope you’ll understand.”
Conversely, there are some friendships that are definitely not worth saving because they are fatally flawed. It takes wisdom and insight to be able to discern the difference between those that are keepers and those that aren’t. Sometimes—in fact, often—we are too close to our own situations to exercise that wisdom and insight on our own. It may be helpful to try to talk through your feelings about the friendship and how it’s affecting you with a very neutral outsider—your partner, perhaps, or another female friend who is not a mutual acquaintance and so won’t be dragged into gossip or personal judgment calls. Another good potential listener is a family member, who may be less biased toward your friendship—sometimes, a sister, aunt, or cousin who cares about you but doesn’t know your friend can react most candidly to your story. Hopefully, this third, unbiased person can help you vet the ramifications of your decision before it is set in stone. But making the call is always difficult.
Some women view a failed friendship philosophically and don’t look back at all. “If the friendship has failed, there was a real reason,” says one. They may be reluctant to get hurt or disappointed by the same person twice, and feel that it is more important to focus on looking forward than looking back. “The failure of the original relationship casts a dark shadow over the renewed one,” says another woman.
“Friendships are supposed to be positives in your life,” says author Florence Isaacs, one of the first people to match the term toxic with friend. “There’s only so much time, and time spent in a negative friendship is time you could be spending on a more rewarding experience. If the friendship is draining, something needs to be changed,” she says.
CONDUCTING A FRIENDSHIP AUDIT
As you might think of doing when making any important decision that isn’t clear-cut, it’s often helpful to list the pros and cons of various scenarios on a piece of paper. Divide the paper into three columns. In the first