Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [70]
Less-than-satisfying relationships that aren’t toxic can still be out-of-sync and upsetting. Every friendship goes through ebbs and flows, and the relationship may simply be in a low period. Friendships are similar to marriage: both require hard work to keep them going. Before you give up on such friendships, one option is to try to mend them. By making small changes, there may be a way to modify an imperfect friendship so it becomes more rewarding for you as well as your friend.
One way this can be achieved is by adjusting your expectations of the friendship so it better conforms to your needs. Maybe you are expecting too much of one friend and need to add others to your inventory. Or perhaps you are spending too much alone time with one person and need to invite other people to join you when you are with your friend. Or perhaps you and your friend get too wrapped up in talking and need to add some activity to your get-togethers to buffer the intensity of her moods or her questions of you, which feel like an interrogation.
Depending on the miscommunication, disappointment, or transgression, the fixes may be minor or the relationship may require a major overhaul. Salvaging the friendship may demand not only an attitude adjustment but also behavioral changes. One thing is essential to keep in mind: you can only control your own behaviors, not those of your once-close friend.
MENDING A FRIENDSHIP
If one of your current friendships is tattered but feels too precious to lose, here are some tips to get it back on track:
OPEN THE DOOR
Summon up your courage to start a dialogue. Don’t make assumptions about what you think your friend is thinking, because they may be totally erroneous. If there is any hope of mending the relationship, you need to communicate. “Don’t ignore the elephant in the room,” says Felicity, who knew deep down that her friend was unhappy and depressed but could never bring it up with her. Now, she rues her decision. “If she had felt able to tell me what was going on, maybe she’d still be in my life,” she says. Sometimes people are reluctant to talk about their personal problems, even to good friends, but given a window of opportunity, they’re only too happy to share.
If it’s been some time since you’ve connected with a friend and you wonder what’s going on, don’t ignore it. Begin with a letter, phone call, or e-mail, depending on how you are accustomed to relating to each other, and suggest that you speak or get together. She may be waiting for you to make the first move. E-mail or snail-mail correspondence offers the advantage of making sure your friend isn’t caught off guard.
“When you come to a bump in a friendship, be understanding and evaluate if the friendship is worth continuing,” says another woman. “If it is, speak up and don’t let it grow into a great divide.” Once you connect, be candid but sensitive about your needs and any perceived failings of the relationship. If there’s been a transgression that is relatively minor, talk about it.
“Suppression and accommodation only lead to anger and resentment,” warns life coach Debbie Mandel. Just as good marriages require work, so do good friendships. When two people communicate and make adjustments as they go along, they are less likely to create emotional schisms between them. Don’t ever let things build up to the point that you’re furious and ready to lash out in anger at your friend at the most minimal slight.
You may need to explicitly redefine the boundaries of the relationship. If you withdrew because you felt suffocated, tell her that you care for her a great deal but simply don’t have enough time or energy to be her only friend in the way you once were. Stick