Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [71]
BE THE FIRST TO OFFER THE OLIVE BRANCH
A friend may have been insensitive to your feelings, forgotten your special birthday, failed to be there when you needed her, or put you at a distance without an explanation. Girls and women of every age typically have such high expectations of their female friends that even relatively minor snubs or transgressions can make them feel like they’ve been attacked.
Eventually the pain subsides, but it is still hard to forgive or forget. If you are like me, you’ll obsess about what happened, replaying the hurt without getting over it. Yet it is in our best self-interest to practice forgiveness. It is healthier, both physically and emotionally, to forgive rather than to harbor grudges. Remaining angry can wreak havoc on your heart and nervous system, leaving you feeling anxious, tense, and depressed.
Forgiveness usually doesn’t occur spontaneously, so here are some steps you can take:
How to Forgive a Friend
• Replay the event in your mind and admit you feel hurt.
• Consciously decide that you want to forgive. It may be helpful to write it down and say it aloud.
• Try to understand what happened from her perspective instead of yours.
• Instead of thinking that the infraction was purposeful, reframe it as having to do with her rather than you.
• Give it time. Sometimes, the passage of time makes it easier to forgive.
Practiced well, forgiveness improves physical health, provides a sense of emotional relief and closure, and has the social effect of teaching us to be more compassionate and empathetic with others. You may find that you are able to resuscitate the friendship. If the transgression was a serious one, your friendship may not survive, but forgiving will allow you to move forward feeling more whole.
Many women are pleasantly surprised when they find that their friendships are reborn, with tincture of time. Paula, now 36, and her friend Olivia had been best friends since first grade. After they had a falling out as college roommates, they didn’t talk for more than a year. “Her sister invited me to her wedding and I showed up at my friend’s workplace one day just to tell her I was coming and to chat about the wedding,” says Paula. “I was nervous because I thought she hated me! But she was glad to see me and we just picked up where we left off. We are still close today.” Paula and Olivia’s tiff occurred so long ago that its substance was no longer memorable—yet their fondness for one another had remained.
After some time has passed, if you are aware of something you did that might have created a split between you and your friend, even if you aren’t sure it was wrong, don’t be too big to apologize. “Even if you don’t know how or what to say, the symbolic gesture of trying goes a long way,” says one woman. Swallow your pride and explain how sorry you are and how much the friendship means to you. Admitting your blame may open the door for her to take her share of responsibility for the misunderstanding as well.
Depending on the transgression, the timing, and the state of mind of your friend, she might or might not be able to accept or even hear your apology. Just because you are prepared and ready to reconcile doesn’t mean she is. If you fall upon a deaf ear, chalk it off to bad timing or circumstances beyond your control and leave it be for now. Think about whether and when you should try again. “You can’t make the other person more vested in the relationship,” says one woman. Your gesture may be rebuffed or ignored, but rather than feel angry or frustrated, try to forgive your friend for not being ready for a reconciliation. Hopefully, it will ease your mind considerably to know that at least your side of the street is clean, and that you are not the party perpetuating bad feeling.
Adriana, 27, moved some distance away from her friend Susan. After Adriana married and gave birth, their relationship just seemed to fade away. Through a mutual friend, she heard that Susan also had gotten married and had a child. “This past July was her thirtieth birthday,