Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [72]
“I sent her a thank-you card and a birth announcement, and then she sent a card with a gift card tucked inside as a ‘wedding present.’” It was particularly moving because Adriana had already been married for two and a half years. To her, it signaled that their friendship really hadn’t missed a beat.
BE FLEXIBLE
Many friendships fall into patterns, regardless of whether they are workable now. For example, it’s easy for one friend to become the talker and the other the listener. Even in a circle of friends, it’s natural for different friends to assume different roles because they each have different personalities (e.g., one may be the perennial hostess, another may be the mother, and a third may be rabble-rouser). But sometimes friends outgrow these roles, becoming bored or impatient with the storyline of their friendship. Here are some ways to salvage your friendships:
Steps to Save a Dying Friendship
• Get in touch with your feelings. Present the “new you” to your friend(s) rather than relegating yourself to your old role.
• When you are feeling uncomfortable, learn to say “‘No” and to set reasonable boundaries.
• Take a break and skip getting together for a couple of weeks; see if it feels better the next time you’re together.
• Shake things up. Do different things than you customarily do together. Do them in different places.
• Spend less time with this friend and expand your friendships so you depend less heavily on this one.
• Try to figure out if something outside the friendship is making you more impatient than usual (for example, work-related distress, marital discord, or personal health).
You may find that it is too difficult to maintain a close friendship at the same intensity or frequency as you once did. If your friend is asking to see you too often, overstays her welcome when she visits, or spends too much time on the phone with you, you may need to be honest and say something like, “Although I’m always home, I work at home and get easily distracted. I really need to get better about scheduling our time together.” Or you might say, “Being a new mother is overwhelming to me. If I cut you short on the phone, please understand that I’m trying to find my way in this new role.” If the friendship is starting to annoy you, don’t be afraid to set realistic boundaries and stick to them.
As opposed to writing off the friendship completely, allow your friend the opportunity to change. She may not realize that something she is doing could potentially jeopardize the friendship. “Friendship is a school of correction,” write sociologists Terri Apter and Ruthellen Josselson. Consider whether you may be a magnet for needy friends because you’ve allowed yourself to play the role of a confessor and counselor for people around you. If you redefine the boundaries of your relationships, you may find that some of your neediest friends rise to the occasion and become more self-sufficient.
Alternatively, you may be the one who wants more time, companionship, or emotional support than your friend is able or willing to give. Instead of rejecting the person completely, see if there are some adjustments that would make your relationship work better. You may simply need to adjust your expectations. One woman calls this strategy downgrading the friendship. “Sometimes, our expectations go beyond what normal human beings can deliver,” says another.
If you feel like your friendship is dying because of too much emotional intensity, you can make small changes that limit opportunities for intimacy. Instead of always meeting your friend one-on-one, suggest that a third person join you or make it a group for a change. You can also diffuse its intensity by planning the friendship around mutually enjoyable activities