Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [73]
Some friendships are resurrected against all odds. Shani, 53, told me about her high school friend Marla, who dropped her like a hot potato many years ago. “She was going through a divorce and she willingly gave custody of her kids to her ex,” says Shani. “I had just gotten married a year or so before and was having my first child.” Marla wanted to live a party life and saw Shani’s life as a criticism of her own choices. Feeling persecuted by the friendship, she cut Shani off entirely. “She never talked with me about it but I put two and two together—and her sister confirmed my suspicions,” says Shani.
A few weeks ago, Marla called Shani out of the blue after twenty-three years! “I delayed calling her back, thinking, ‘Who needs the drama, explanations, or whatever? Maybe she’s just doing the twelve-step thing or something,’” Shani says. Then she told another dear friend that she didn’t have time for this. Merely uttering those words sounded “so stingy” to Shani that she realized she owed her friend a return call.
When she finally made the call, both women were happy beyond words. “I did ask why she waited so long, and she told me she had thought of me almost every day,” says Shani. “She responded: ‘Just chicken, I guess’—which was a good enough explanation for me!” Since that time, the two women have had good, long phone calls—as if no time has passed between them—and they’re making plans to see each other soon.
Very often, relationships become inconvenient because two women’s lives take different paths—in terms of geography, availability, or a host of other reasons. One respondent explained the collapse of a terrific friendship by saying, “Life got in the way.” Even best friendships can be derailed by situational circumstances. If the problems are truly situational, it is often possible to get the friendship back on track by making relatively minor adjustments on one or both sides of the friendship equation. Remember that no friendship is perfect, and that each one may require slight changes.
EXPRESS YOURSELF
Sometimes your friend is involved in something she can’t change or get herself out of on her own. It could be a bad relationship, or an alcohol or drug abuse problem that’s destroying your friendship. Cases like this may demand that you speak out and say something for her well-being and the sustainability of your friendship.
Carole, 19, watched her friend Wendy start dating William, who seemed like a great guy. “Then, he started taking up more and more of her time until he had her skipping school and sneaking out of her house for him,” says Carole. “We didn’t see Wendy for about eight months and called her a POW—Prisoner of Will.” Then we decided to do an ‘intervention.’ We told her how sad we were that we were no longer friends because of him.” Wendy eventually came around to her friends, broke up with the guy, and now the women are back to being the “bestest” friends.
Jessenia, 24, was spending more than her paycheck each week, despite the general turndown in the economy, and eating up her small savings account. When they went shopping together, several times, her friend Freda saw her buy expensive handbags and shoes that she knew Jessenia could ill afford. Jessenia was on a shopping high, maxing out her credit cards. When Freda raised the issue, Jessenia blew up at her. But when Jessenia asked to borrow money when they ate out, Freda realized that it was an opportune time to “have the talk” again. To her surprise, Jessenia agreed to see a financial counselor to help her with budgeting.
It isn’t always easy to say what’s on your mind, particularly when you think it is something your friend doesn’t want to hear. But it may be worth the risk—particularly if the friendship is close and important to you, or if your friend’s physical or mental health is at stake.
Your friend may need the nudge or push from someone who cares about her to make a positive change. Too often, women worry that giving someone unsolicited advice may turn out to be a friendship