Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [74]
GIVE IT TIME
While technology has changed our lives and offers new opportunities to sustain friendships that transcend geography, there really is no substitute for face time when it comes to friendships. Yes, everyone is busy, multitasking, and stretched to the limit. But if having close friendships is important to you (as it should be), you need to figure out ways to fit friendship into your schedule. Instead of saying “We should really talk again soon,” or “Let’s get together,” pick up your calendar and make a date right away while you have your friend’s attention. If you put it off, it will likely never happen.
Juggling multiple roles simultaneously (for example, wife or partner, mother, daughter, worker, caregiver, or several of these), often without much control over the demands they place on you, can strain relationships with friends. New responsibilities, especially caring for children or aging parents, can topple the precarious balance and rhythm that friends adopt as a way of relating to each other. It’s important to be aware of these challenges so you can creatively address them.
If you are single, maybe you can join your friend and her husband for an evening out. Or perhaps you can visit your friend at her home while the baby is napping. Electronic technology like cell phones, text messages, and social media (such as Facebook or MySpace) can help you transcend some of the gaps. Perhaps you can’t see your friend after work anymore, but you can catchup on your cell phones as you both commute from the office.
Although friendships while married or mothering are more complex than when you’re flying solo, it’s important to remember that even the closest couple benefits from having outside relationships and spending some time apart. The same can be said for moms having adult time with friends, separate from their kids.
My friend Susan has a close friend in Canada who is about fifteen years older than she is. When her friend called after they hadn’t seen each other for quite some time and invited her to visit, Susan put down the phone, immediately called the airline, booked a reasonably priced flight, and spent three days across the border reconnecting with her friend. Had she let the opportunity slip, the two women might have grown further apart.
Amy, 56, found a novel way to kill two birds with one stone. She exercises—virtually—with a friend who lives hundreds of miles away. Amy lives in New York and her best friend lives in Boston. They’ve known each other for more than twenty years. Their friendship began as colleagues but they weren’t really close until four years ago, when they reconnected and started exercising together every day.
“We talk on the telephone while we work out on our respective elliptical machines,” says Amy. “It is an incredibly wonderful, satisfying, and mutually rewarding relationship. We spend more time interacting with each other than we do with our husbands or children, not because our relationship is more important, but it’s hard to find together time when everyone is busy with their own schedules.” Thanks to their unlimited long-distance calling plans, they can talk for hours and hours without worrying about the cost.
With a “watchful waiting” attitude, some friendships are renewed against all odds. Linda, 59, told me such a story. “My friend Kathy was going through a difficult time for a period of eight years,” says Linda. Because they had lost contact with each other, Linda was-n’t at all sure what was going on. She would vacillate between worry and anger at her friend. “She stopped visiting, didn’t return phone calls, and showed no signs