Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [77]
By taking a break, you may realize that some of the rifts in your friendships are just a matter of timing or a temporary incompatibility.
YOU AS PORTFOLIO MANAGER
It’s important to remember that you need to play an active role in managing your friendship portfolio. You can identify “keepers,” work hard at keeping them, forgive and ask forgiveness, downgrade the duds, and take a break if you still aren’t sure which is which. If you do find that you need to end a fractured friendship, a little advance planning will make the passage easier for you, your friend, and the people around you.
CHAPTER 8
TIME TO SAY GOODBYE: ENDING A FRIENDSHIP THAT CAN’T BE FIXED
“I have lost friends, some by death . . . others by sheer inability to cross the street.”
—VIRGINIA WOOLF
It is frightening for us to imagine that, in all probability, the most likely outcome of any friendship—even a very good one—is that it will end. Yet women still feel guilty and ashamed about a failed friendship. Because these breakups tend to be shrouded in secrecy, we only hear of those that end because of an egregious blowup or betrayal, which adds to their shame and stigma.
When supermodel and TV host Tyra Banks focused one of her shows on the topic, “When Good Friends Go Bad,” her message board was overwhelmed with close to two thousand comments from viewers who reported that their best friends had crossed the line by doing something so terrible that they were unable to forgive them. Yet most of these women were reluctant to cut the cord and end the friendship.
Typically, when a woman begins to realize that a friendship is falling apart or isn’t worth saving, she may not even be aware of her feelings. Some women begin to feel increasingly edgy and uncomfortable being with the friend, talking on the phone, or making plans. Others get headaches or stomachaches in anticipation of a get-together. Most women assume that their friend doesn’t know or have the same feelings, and perpetuate the deception that the friendship is still alive.
One woman told me that the hardest part of the whole thing for her was the month or so when she knew she didn’t want to be friends with someone anymore but spent time with her acting like nothing was wrong. Once you decide you need to end a friendship, it’s not uncommon to feel edgy and uncomfortable until you do it, and you may even feel that way afterwards for some time.
Understandably, kissing off a once-close friend—closing a door—is always difficult. But in the end, when a friendship truly isn’t worth saving, you need to cut your losses and make the ending as graceful and painless as possible. “At first I felt the loss, but as time passed, it was like a burden being lifted from my shoulders,” said one woman who ended a toxic friendship. Another said she felt a sense of liberation and freedom upon extricating herself from a bad relationship.
Amber told me her story. She and Pia, both 41, met through mutual friends more than twenty years ago in high school. When they came home from college during the summer between their sophomore and junior years, they bumped into each other again at a friend’s party and started spending more time together. “We enjoyed shopping and dancing and, for the most part, each other’s company,” says Amber. “We were young and attractive and would go out to clubs, having a great time meeting other people.”
One thing that bothered Amber was Pia’s persistent negativity. Given the chance, Pia complained about everything and everyone. The two women fell into almost stereotypical roles in their relationship. Amber was the funny, outgoing extrovert and Pia was the cool, blasé sophisticate. Somehow the two personalities seemed to mesh, and Amber introduced her friend to her family and included her in their rituals and celebrations, as Pia had always had troubles with her own family.
But Pia had incredibly