Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [78]
Many times, Amber tried to encourage Pia to get into therapy to work on her “issues.” However, Pia was resistant, insisting that she wasn’t the “therapy type.” “She preferred using me as her therapist—something I was ill-equipped to handle,” says Amber. “She would unload her problems and I would listen, trying to make her laugh while I offered suggestions.” The rare times when Pia’s life was going well, she had a habit of taking on other people’s problems as if they were her own. It became exhausting for Amber to listen to Pia’s problems and those of everyone else Pia knew. The few times that Amber needed someone’s ear or shoulder to lean on, she was typically met with Pia’s “Well, life sucks. What did you expect?” attitude, which only made her feel more upset and depressed.
Amber began confiding in her friend less and less. When Amber married and had children, Pia grew extremely jealous and bitter rather than happy for her friend. Pia felt abandoned and resented the time Amber was lavishing on her family, time that once was hers alone. “She hated spending time with my son and resented my husband,” says Amber. “I began avoiding her because she would openly swear and talk about her sexual conquests in front of my child, despite my repeated requests that she not.”
When Pia’s fortieth birthday rolled around, Amber felt responsible for making the day special for her friend. Ironically, that effort turned out to be the final straw in their already strained relationship. Amber threw a surprise party, and rather than being appreciative, Pia reacted angrily, telling her friend that she hated surprises. “She had to be coaxed back into the event,” says Amber. Her behavior was reprehensible: she was rude to the guests and spent a lot of time on her cell phone. Pia opened her gifts and made negative comments about almost every one of them. She opened a beautifully wrapped box with perfume from one of the guests and actually uttered out loud, “The last time I wore this, I gagged.” Amber was incredibly embarrassed.
After the party, Pia wanted to go out dancing and was furious that Amber wouldn’t join her on her birthday—even though she knew that a babysitter was waiting for Amber at home. Lashing out at Amber, Pia told her that she needed to work on finding new friends who didn’t have children.
Suddenly, it was as if a light bulb had been switched on in a dark room. “I realized she was right,” says Amber. The two women haven’t spoken since that night. They gave each other a perfunctory hug before they parted but Amber couldn’t wait to get home and must have looked upset.
Pia e-mailed her once after that night, to find out why Amber was so mad at her. “I explained that I wasn’t mad—that I thought that she behaved badly and that I was sorry she was so unhappy with her life,” says Amber. “She e-mailed back a two-page rant about what a terrible friend I had been. I read part of it, then hit ‘Delete.’”
When Amber first met Pia, the two women were single and at similar points in their lives: pretty carefree with a shared, age-appropriate interest in dancing and attracting men. Although their personalities were vastly different, it didn’t much matter because of the superficial nature of their relationship. When Amber got to know Pia better, she recognized her friend’s fatal flaws: self-centeredness coupled with bad judgment. Pia was narcissistic, exhibitionistic, and foul-mouthed. The relationship started deteriorating as Amber began to realize she was at the short end of a one-sided friendship.
It’s always hard to end friendships—even if they are toxic and one-sided. This was certainly the case for Amber, with her fierce sense of loyalty and compassion. It almost took a blow to the head for her to gain insight