Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [80]
Annie and Liz were friends for fifteen years before Annie realized she needed to end the relationship. She had to endure the same types of hurts over and over until it finally sunk in. Sometimes we cling to friendships that should be over because we are waiting for the “right” time. When a relationship has proven itself to be wrong for you over time, there isn’t ever likely to be a good time to end it. In fact, things could get worse.
Maintaining friendships that no longer work is like having a closet cluttered with clothes of all different sizes. Some of them fit and some of them don’t. Some are in style and others clearly look like they’re from a bygone era. My closet is filled with clothes that are so squished together that I can barely see them. There’s no room to hang new outfits I would like to add to my inventory. Admittedly, many of the pieces are just taking up space. If only I had the discipline to organize my closet, it would be a lot easier and more rewarding to get dressed each morning.
Similarly, if you are spending your time on friendships that don’t fit, you are keeping yourself from developing new ones that might be more fulfilling and better fitting. There is certainly a feeling of guilt attached to getting rid of someone who needs you and depends on you—but you have to evaluate the friendship and make sure it is balanced in terms of meeting the needs of two people, not just one. There’s no denying that such a decision might entail a real loss of the familiar or giving up of shared history for you, but you need to weigh the losses against all that stands to be gained.
CLOSING THE DOOR WITHOUT SLAMMING IT
It always feels awkward to end a friendship, and it’s extremely difficult to find the right words, the right way, or the right time to do it. You should never break up in haste, without carefully thinking through the repercussions, unless you’ve been the victim of a terrible betrayal (e.g., finding your girlfriend has been having an affair with your husband or has inflicted undue psychological or physical harm on your child), in which case, you may need to act more precipitously.
Here are some thoughts to help you determine the best way to end a female friendship with grace and kindness in your own particular circumstance:
CHOOSE THE BEST MODE OF COMMUNICATION
There are at least four methods you can use to end a friendship. These include: handling it in person, online (through email or IMing), on the phone, or by snail mail. Unfortunately, none of these approaches is perfect and each one poses its own unique problems. The approach someone chooses will vary based on the nature of the friendship, the nature of the breakup, and the personalities of the people involved.
One important thing to keep in mind is that you have been very carefully preparing for this moment (unless the relationship ends in a blowup). You’ve thought long and hard and have made a decision that hasn’t come easily. But, in most circumstances, the other person is caught off guard—if not by the decision, then by its timing.
If you are dealing with a very sensible person who isn’t likely to care about the loss of the relationship, you can probably have a low-key, candid talk and it will be over. (But would you really be planning this conversation at all if you were dealing with a very sensible person?) Since the breakup is one-sided and will appear as if it is coming from left field as far as the other person is concerned, this generally won’t be the case.
Face-to-face confrontations are among the most painful and difficult to execute successfully. Delivering the news in person, telling your friend that it’s over and you want out, is likely to embarrass the person who is being dumped and put her in the position of feeling attacked and defensive. The same is true of phone conversations, but at least the person has the option of hanging up until she gains her composure.
A phone conversation,