Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [81]
But in-person and phone breakups can lead to unnecessary arguments about who was right and who was wrong. It’s preferable to have a no-fault split that doesn’t cast blame on one person or the other—this is more likely achieved when the other person has time to recoup and isn’t put on the spot. You want to avoid insulting the person unnecessarily or getting back at her verbally if she insults you. You have your own feelings about who is to blame for the breakup but it’s pointless, and probably hopeless, to try to convince your friend to agree with you.
E-mail or snail mail aren’t perfect options either, simply because it isn’t prudent to put anything in writing that can be duplicated, forwarded to mutual friends, or could later come back to haunt you. If you do choose to take that route, you should spend a great deal of time obsessing about what to write, the precise words to use, and whether a handwritten note or e-mail is better. Remember that your friend will likely spend a great deal of time reading what you wrote, over and over again.
Sending a note, whether e-mail or snail mail, is particularly helpful if you feel very angry, are fearful that you’ll lose control when you deliver the message, or if you think you’ll back down from your decision when your friend is upset, either feeling hurt or acting confrontationally. Again, the important caveat about a “Dear Jane” letter: make sure that you don’t write anything down that you would worry about anyone else seeing. This can be achieved by being fairly general in what you write, keeping it brief, and refraining from blaming her. The risk of an e-mail being forwarded or even distributed to a list is probably greater than that of a personal note being read by others.
PREPARE AHEAD
As you are deciding what to say and how to say it, it can be helpful to use a journal (not to be shared with anyone) to write down your feelings and vent your frustration. It is also a way to develop a brief written script to help you make sure you don’t forget the one or two points you need to tell your friend.
Taking the time to compose, organize, and write your thoughts down, especially on paper, helps clarify your thinking before you blurt out something you’ll later be sorry for saying. Be sure to wait until your initial anger subsides. If you are so angry or uncomfortable that you can’t handle it on your own, you may want to convey the message through a trusted third party.
If you choose to deliver the message by e-mail or snail mail, don’t send it immediately after you write it; wait at least until the next day when you can read it more dispassionately.
CHOOSE YOUR TIMING
If you decide to use the phone, try to avoid catching the person at work, while she is driving, during dinner, or at some other equally uncomfortable time to talk. Instead, try to figure out a time when she is likely to be relaxed and at ease. The conversation is bound to be tense without added distractions.
If possible, don’t dump on your friend when she’s besieged with other problems that will ease over time. For example, if she just lost a parent, try to hang on until she’s recuperated a bit emotionally. It’s just a matter of being considerate and not hitting someone when she is down.
BE AS HONEST AND DIRECT AS YOU CAN WITHOUT BEING HURTFUL
It is best when people can be as honest as possible in relationships. However, the way a friendship ends is likely to be remembered for a long time, so carefully consider what to say, what not to say, how much to say, and how you can get your message across so that you leave your ex-BF emotionally unscathed to the extent that it is possible.
Defriending on the Internet
The rules of defriending on social media sites like Facebook,