Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [82]
Might it be easier for both of you to just let her go on sitting on your friend list? Perhaps seeing her there regularly may be painful to you, or perhaps if you are particularly distrustful of her you don’t want her to have access to your personal information or profile anymore. But if neither of these cases is true, consider just learning to ignore her on your social networking site without taking the fairly confrontational action of deleting her from your friend list—because she is bound to notice. On the Internet, there’s always the danger that your fingers will work more quickly than your brain.
If you decide not to defriend, consider the possibility that your former friend may still be curious about you—even to the point of “stalking” you—and may be keeping up with your life. Be aware of privacy settings and don’t write things on your homepage or in messages to others that she might see and consider a personal attack on her.
Always start off acknowledging something positive that you both gained from the relationship. Don’t be too effusive or you won’t be credible. That said, try to figure out a benevolent explanation for your decision. It should be somewhat reality-based, even though you may choose to leave out unnecessary details. It’s unkind to jilt someone without any explanation. Try to think about how you would feel if someone did that to you.
If you really are certain you want to end it, be clear that you are telling, not asking, and that your decision is firm for the time being. If you have already seriously considered your options, you don’t want to open the door for further discussion, anger, or a confrontation—and you want to be as kind as possible because this is someone that you once cared about, confided in, and trusted—and probably vice versa.
DON’T PLAY THE BLAME GAME
This is your decision to end the relationship, so take responsibility for what you are doing. Don’t use this as an opportunity to be vindictive. Instead, act like a grown-up and take ownership without assigning blame. After all, you are the decider; it’s what you want, not what she wants, no matter what led you to the decision.
You don’t need to heap blame upon your friend to deflect blame and guilt from yourself. Simply think of it as a no-fault breakup that happened because the relationship didn’t work for the two of you. Remind your friend, and if necessary, remind yourself that rifts in female friendships are commonplace.
TELL A WHITE LIE
If your relationship is intense, it’s okay to tell a little white lie. (Yes, “honesty is always best” was another myth your mother taught you!) You can tell your friend that you have some problems you need to work out privately; that you need to focus on school, your work, or family obligations; that you need time for yourself; that you need some respite from the relationship; or whatever else feels comfortable and believable to say.
“It’s easy to think that friendships are going to last forever, but they sometimes end. If it happens abruptly, try to mend things so they don’t end with bitterness on either side,” says one woman. When people are jilted and left upset, you face a serious risk of their breaking your confidences, gossiping unfavorably about you to people you both know, or undermining you in a work setting. If you’ve told your once-best friend everything about you, she is in a position to write your unauthorized biography! That is why a benevolent white lie—one that might not give your friend an honest understanding of why you can’t bear to have her be a part of your life any longer, but which will hopefully spare her feelings