Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [85]
Pain after loss is normal. Recognize that you feel hurt because you lost something that was important to you. Give yourself the gift of time to mourn and heal from your loss. Think about the positives that you were able to take away and be grateful that you are no longer compelled to maintain a façade of a friendship that drifted away or turned sour. “A failed friendship isn’t really a failure. It’s about life changing and people moving on. Sometimes a friendship dwindles but that can be appropriate and right. It is not a failure,” says another woman.
DON’T GIVE UP ON FEMALE FRIENDSHIPS
The traumatic loss of a close friend undermines a woman’s self-confidence and trust. One common response is to be wary and suspicious of friendships with other women (or even relationships with men). The image of a friendless woman with a cat may not be as stereotypical as it first appears.
Whether the choice was hers or yours, it is an unsettling loss and a disappointment in terms of what the friendship was or what the friendship might have been. It leads a woman to question what she did wrong and whether she’s capable of maintaining relationships. “I blamed myself for the whole thing and felt for the longest time that I wasn’t worthy of a close friendship,” says one woman. “When you put everything into a friendship where you feel so secure, and for no apparent reason things start to fall apart, it’s hard to trust again,” says another.
The ending of a friendship doesn’t necessarily mean that one person or the other is at fault, that someone did something wrong, or that the friendship never had any significance or value. Even previously wonderful relationships between friends can later turn out to be a poor fit. Look at breakups as no-fault events (which they usually are) and stop blaming yourself or her. Certainly, don’t give up on your other female friendships, present and future, because that would only compound your loss.
Find ways to regain control of your life. Nurture other friendships. Spend more time with family. Do things you enjoy and that give you pleasure. Don’t inadvertently punish anyone, including yourself.
THINK CAREFULLY ABOUT WHETHER YOU WANT OR NEED ONE BEST FRIEND
“Sometimes we see people as we want to see them and not as they really are,” says one woman. She recognized this after several years of disappointment, finally realizing that her friendship with her best friend was largely a construct of her own imagination.
It’s unlikely that any one individual can meet your needs and it’s more likely that you’ll need friends for different reasons and seasons of your life. The same people with whom you enjoy exchanging parenting tips in a mother-child playgroup may not be the same women with whom you want to shop, share stock-tips, or talk heart-to-heart. Having just one friend with whom you are close and intimate is a big risk to take, no matter how solid the friendship.
When one young woman was dumped by her one and only friend, she was heartbroken. “I would never have a BFF again,” she says emphatically. She realized that having more than one could protect her from that desperate heartbreak she had experienced.
Not every woman wants or needs a best friend. Consider whether you would prefer to surround yourself with a small number of meaningful friendships. It’s important to strive for quality friendships rather than large numbers of superficial ones that aren’t rewarding. “For the most part, I [now] focus on nurturing a small number of really close friendships,” says another woman.
HANG ON FOR THE RIDE
Expectations of any friendship often need to be adjusted. We need to think about whether we are expecting too much or too little from friends, or whether it’s a case of too much too soon. Especially with new relationships, we need to be able