Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [86]
Maybe you shouldn’t place all your trust in a person until you know her well over time. And perhaps, says one woman: “It isn’t a good idea to tell some friends some things, no matter how long you know them.” Exercising greater caution in whom you befriend and how quickly you do so can be a good thing in the end. “I’m far happier to let my friendships grow over time,” says one woman.
Another woman learned that honesty isn’t always the best policy. Some friendships fracture because one or both friends are too judgmental and outspoken. “I was very vocal with my friend and told her exactly what I thought of a situation, because I didn’t want to see her hurt. I now realize that I can’t control someone else’s decisions about whom they want in their life. I just need to be supportive and, if it doesn’t work out, be there when she needs me. It [the friendship] definitely taught me to bite my tongue.”
Some friendships tolerate long breaks; others require constant contact. It’s always useful when two friends are on the same wavelength, or at least understand what to expect. “My other friends understand that we can go for long periods without communicating and still be friends,” says another. “I’ve learned about the kind of friend I am and the kind of friends I want to surround myself with.”
Every friend has her individual quirks and to maintain relationships you may need to simply be more tolerant and forgiving. “I realize now that no relationship is immune to problems,” says a woman. “I try to focus on making new friends and strengthening the friendships I have—trying not to be judgmental and to be more accepting of people’s flaws,” says another. “If I judged everyone by their flaws, I wouldn’t have any friends.” Close friends need to be able to let each other know how they are feeling and give each other the opportunity to make corrections in the friendship as they go along.
Ultimately, Amanda, 25, decided that she was no longer willing to tolerate a friend who wasn’t dependable. When Amanda met Linda, she felt an automatic click, like they instantly understood each other. “She was sweet and understanding, and we shared a lot of things and interests,” says Amanda. “She started spending so much time with her boyfriend that she would constantly flake out of plans and make up shady excuses instead of being up-front.” It happened so often over such a long period of time that Amanda eventually distanced herself from Linda. “I was really upset; it felt like a betrayal as it was happening,” she says.
Amanda concluded that just clicking with someone isn’t good enough. “Reliability, trustworthiness, and dependability are important as well,” she says. “When this girl was around, she was great. It’s just that she wasn’t around most of the time and couldn’t be depended on.
YOUR WOMEN FRIENDS ARE AS IMPORTANT AS THE MEN IN YOUR LIFE
We need to delicately balance the males and females in our life in a way that works. An all too common scenario, as described by Donna (who was suddenly ditched when her friend Gayle met a dashing globetrotter) is that of a best friend who suddenly falls head-over-heels in love with a man and totally abandons the woman whose shoulders she cried upon before she found him. It’s not cool, and it is downright rude to repeatedly cancel dates with female friends to accommodate a man.
Another sure relationship killer is the friend who comes on to the man (or woman) who is her friend’s romantic interest. Sadly, some women recognize that they need to be very cautious with friends who are jealous of them. “I don’t think women are loyal to other women the way I see men being loyal to one another,” says one woman scorned. “Women are more likely to stab each other in the back, especially for a guy. My mother always told me, ‘Don’t tell your girlfriends who you like.’ I have learned this lesson several times . . . no matter how close I am to my girlfriends, I don’t tell them my true feelings about a guy unless I’m already dating