Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [88]
DON’T BECOME A REPEAT OFFENDER
Feeling totally gun-shy about making friendships after that one? It’s not surprising but there are ways you can protect and cushion yourself from people who will cause you continual pain. Have you noticed a pattern in your relationships? Are you consistently attracted to people who use and disappoint you? Are your relationships unbalanced or one-sided? Do you find yourself attracted to people who have insatiable needs, or who are selfish in terms of their demands of your time and understanding? Are you prone to befriending users and takers? Have you been dumped too many times? Remind yourself to look out for, avoid, and downgrade toxic relationships.
Friendless: Common Problems of Repeat Offenders
• Trouble prospecting. You may be making bad choices when you choose potential friends. The odds are better that a friendship will “stick” when two people have a common thread, perhaps a shared interest (e.g., hobby or membership in a club or gym) or shared circumstances (e.g., neighbors or coworkers). Think about the people with whom you are trying to connect and whether there is any natural glue that could keep the friendship going. Think out of the box as well: resist the temptation to stereotype who looks like she would be a good friend and who doesn’t. You may be eliminating a potential friend without giving her a chance. For example, someone who looks shallow may have more depth to her than you think.
• Trouble bonding. Some people say they simply don’t have a “knack” for making friends. In some cases, they are coming on too heavy, too soon. Friendships unfold gradually as women share intimacies with one another—this takes time. You need to be willing to let your friends know the real you, but you don’t want to spill your guts out the first time you’re out to lunch.
• Something else. There may be something off-putting about your behavior. Is there someone (perhaps, a family member) whom you trust—and who knows you well—who might tell you what it is? If not, it might be worthwhile to seek advice from a counselor.
On the other hand, you may learn that the toxicity in the relationship is your doing rather than your friend’s. Some women commented that a good friend lets you know when you seem to be veering off course. Are your problems and neediness too much to handle, even for the best of friends? “I’m very careful now not to burden my friends unduly with my problems unless I just can’t bear to keep it inside,” says one woman. “I try to take those feelings to a therapist,” she added.
One woman said she’s learned that she can’t and doesn’t want to fix all of her friends’ problems. She stays away from too much “drama” in a relationship. “I feel like I have the power to choose my friends, not have them choose me; I deserve better,” says another. Similarily, another says: “I now choose people who have resolved their lifelong issues, or who are in control of their demons. No gossip. Solid people only. With a major sense of humor.”
To be without close female friends can be extremely isolating and lonely. If you are in this situation, it’s always difficult to pinpoint the precise reason(s) for your dilemma.
Recognition of this problem is, of course, the first step in solving it. If having no friendships or having toxic friendships is a persistent pattern that you can’t avoid on your own, speak to a counselor or other mental health professional who can help you determine why you are doing this to yourself and how you can stop. If you are still in high school or college, you may be able to get help from someone in the school counseling office.
REBOOT
I’m busy. You’re busy. Everyone’s busy, but friendships take time. If you are pressed for time, find ways to do things with friends that you normally do alone—exercise, shopping, eating lunch. With the availability of the Internet and low-cost or no-cost long-distance