Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [89]
Taking Advantage of Technology
The average young person who is connected to digital technology has 94 numbers on her cell phone, 78 people on her instant messenger list and 86 friends in her social networking community. There is no reason why you can’t nurture friendships over the miles or over oceans.
The bottom line: call her, text her, write her, or e-mail her and set up a time to meet before too much time elapses, even if it is just for coffee. Think of it as an investment in your physical and emotional well-being.
CHAPTER 10
MOVING FORWARD
“I have a chosen family of friends.”
—GLORIA STEINEM
After you’ve inventoried the friends you have, assessed the quality of those relationships, and determined what you need to do to purge yourself of relationships that are emotionally draining and destructive, you may feel a nagging sense of emptiness. To return to the cluttered closet analogy, it’s that same feeling you’re left with after you finally get around to organizing and disposing of the clothes you’re tired of or that no longer fit. There’s a lot more room, but it feels like you suddenly have nothing to wear. The actual holes in your wardrobe haven’t changed; they’ve just become more obvious.
When you lose a good friend, for whatever reason, it’s common to find yourself in the doldrums. Because most women juggle multiple roles and lead busy lifestyles, their days and evenings filled with responsibilities and activities, they may not even feel the impact of the loss right away. Instead, they experience a gnawing feeling that something is missing and don’t know precisely why they feel that way.
After a significant loss, even when surrounded by people, you are likely to miss the intimacy of a close friendship that felt easy and familiar. In a quiet moment, you feel like phoning someone—to complain about the promotion you got passed over for at work, or the argument you had with the receptionist in the gynecologist’s office—and you can’t think of whom to call. Or you may miss her regular calls, calls about nothing, but nevertheless reassuring in terms of their regularity and playfulness. A wave of loneliness comes over you. “For weeks or even months, I would look at my cell phone,” says one woman. “It was so weird not having it ring all the time, just to talk about nonsense or things that made us laugh, especially gossip. I would drive up to my house, past her house, and try not to look that way—sort of trying to make-believe she didn’t exist.”
This situation has variously been described as a “friendship deficit” or “friendship shortage.” It isn’t that you don’t have any friends, but you don’t have enough of the right kind of friends—women to whom you feel very close. There’s no one with whom to share your joys, your sorrows, or your day-to-day hassles and frustrations.
Now the good news: if you are bemoaning a friendship deficit, that awareness should motivate you to replenish your inventory. And now you have the time and space you need to develop friendships of the very best kind.
THE CASE FOR REPLENISHING THE STOCK
A number of research studies suggest friendships are essential to good health and longevity. Loneliness and lack of social supports are linked to an increased risk of heart disease, viral infections, and cancer as well as to higher mortality rates. One popular theory is that friendships serve as a buffer against stress.
Not only do friendships enhance our health, they bolster our confidence and self-esteem. They also serve as an antidote to depression and loneliness and help ward off psychosomatic illness.
As part of its Chain of Confidence campaign to promote self-confidence through female friendship, Tupperware, the plastic container company, commissioned a study that polled over five hundred women across the country, ages eighteen and older. The survey results revealed