Best Friends Forever - Irene S. Levine [93]
Sometimes, women forsake their friendships in favor of their marriage, only to later feel sorry about it. Abby, 70 years old, shared her late-in-life experience. Prior to meeting Barbara about two years ago, Abby and her husband were “glued together.” After the two women met and began spending time together, Abby realized how much she missed female companionship. “To this day, I believe she was the best friend I ever had in my life,” says Abby.
One day Abby came home from a movie and dinner with Barbara just before midnight and her husband was waiting up for her, quite incensed at the hour. “He said he didn’t like me spending so much time with my friend and that it wasn’t ‘normal.’ It upset me very much, and I told Barbara how he felt,” says Abby. After that discussion, the two women began to see less and less of each other.
“Our friendship was never the same,” says Abby. Her husband was retired, had few interests of his own, and was extremely possessive, making it extraordinarily difficult for Abby to make or maintain female friendships. She was afraid to question his demands, and because of his anger, simply acquiesced, giving up on meeting her own needs.
Sometimes, the loss of friendships is more insidious and just seems to sneak up on a woman. A woman more than thirty years younger than Abby also gave up many of her close friendships when she got married because she chose to devote time and energy to her husband and growing family. Their social relationships as a couple were exclusively with couples her husband introduced her to through his work. There was no time for her to see her old friends or make new ones. Now she says that she is trying to “pick up the pieces” of female friendships that she let fall by the wayside.
Because of the importance of friendships and because married couples or committed partners benefit from spending time apart, it’s important to find ways to balance the roles of partner and friend. While you can control your own behavior, it’s harder to crack the personality of a spouse or partner. In an extreme case like Abby’s, it might be worthwhile to consult a counselor or mental health professional to work through problems of jealousy and possessiveness that interfere with friendship.
MOTHER FRIENDS
Having infants or young children can be isolating due to the intense demands of mothering, but children provide an easy entrée for connections to other mothers at the park, on the playground, at the library or at the gym. It is estimated that more than four million parents attend parent/child playgroups on a weekly basis.
Activities for parents and kids include playgroups, mornings in the park, and special Moms & Tots events. Single moms can join organizations like Parents Without Partners to meet friends in similar circumstances. It’s important to recognize that even mommies need friendship and support—and that the roles of mother and friend aren’t incompatible. In fact, they can be synergistic if you play them right!
Playgrounds for Young Moms
An organization called Mommy & Me maintains an online database of playgroups for parents and children to interact with each other while they meet other parents facing similar challenges.
Mothers & More is a non-profit organization dedicated to improving the lives of mothers through support, education, and advocacy. There are currently 2,170 chapters in 34 states, accessible through an online searchable database. The organization provides opportunities for moms to socialize and connect both online and in person. For example, the Rochester chapter of Mothers & More hosts twice-monthly meetings for grown-up conversation, members-only on line chats, meal delivery for mothers who are sick, a monthly mom’s night out, and special interest clubs (including crafts, scrapping, and a book club).
There are also many online forums where mothers can connect during the day (or the wee hours of the night) to share experiences and get advice. While most women no longer live