Bike Snob - Anonymous [22]
Similarly, bicycle wheels used to be built by hand from an assortment of rims, spokes, and hubs from different manufacturers. These were chosen by the builder to best suit the rider’s use. The hub was Hanks, the rim was John Candy, and the spokes were Daryl Hannah. But around the time that Forrest Gump came out (coincidence? I think not!) manufacturers realized they could make a whole wheel instead of selling someone just a rim, or a hub. Furthermore, it would be a uniform color, have branding all over it so it popped in photos, and be ready to ride right out of the box. Of course, shops loved that (pre-built equals no labor), and people did too—they cost a lot, but they looked really cool. However, these wheels (often called “boutique” wheels) were and are often less durable than traditional “ensemble” wheels, and also require proprietary parts. (Tom Hanks won’t act with just anybody anymore—you better have the right management and representation, and Hanks better get a producing credit!) The Mavic Ksyrium is sort of the Terminal of boutique wheels in that it is fraught with problems yet still nobody seems to want to force Mavic to address them—they just buy it anyway. Does that make me a Retro-Grouch? I don’t know. But I do miss early Tom Hanks.
Nothing is more sacred to the Retro-Grouch than hand-built, sensible wheelsets with high spoke counts. They are to the Retro-Grouch as the Stetson is to the cowboy.
A Hatred of Carbon Fiber Anything
People love carbon—especially Roadies and Triathletes. To them, carbon fiber is as essential as salt, rum, and sugar were to the Old World colonial empires, or as crack is to Amy Winehouse. Roadies and Triathletes will literally sell pieces of their homes to purchase a carbon fiber version of any bicycle component, regardless of whether it actually makes sense in that application. But while Roadies and Triathletes love it too much, Retro-Grouches hate it too much. The Retro-Grouch’s favorite thing to say about carbon is that it “fails catastrophically.” That’s their self-important way of saying they think it’s ugly and it’s too expensive.
A Love of Steel Anything
To the Retro-Grouch, steel is all that carbon fiber is to the Roadie or Triathlete. A Retro-Grouch will have you believe that it’s impossible to make a bad frame out of steel. They live for the moment someone’s carbon bike fails so they can mention their fifteen- to twenty-year-old steel frame.
Why other cyclists don’t like them:
They’re like “Debbie Downer” from SNL.
Compatibility with other cyclists:
Largely incompatible with Triathletes and Urban Cyclists due to an inherent mistrust of the new as well as a disdain for trends, both of which are essential to Triathletes and Urban Cyclists.
The Righteous Cyclist
I believe that cycling can help make you a better person. I also believe that riding a bicycle helps make the world better for other cyclists, since more cyclists means more awareness of cyclists. However, I stop short of believing that cycling can actually save the world. This is not true of the Righteous Cyclist, who is convinced that the very act of turning the pedals will actually restore acres and acres of rain forest, suck smog from the sky, and refreeze the polar ice caps.
The Righteous Cyclist comes in many forms. There’s the Unkempt Righteous Cyclist, who rides some kind of squeaky bicycle that’s been recovered from a dumpster. Then there’s the Laden Righteous Cyclist, who makes a point of transporting unwieldy objects by bicycle or even moving to a new apartment by bicycle. (This is to reduce vehicular emissions, even though the miles of traffic that forms behind the Laden Righteous Cyclist more than makes up for the three gallons of gas they might have saved by not using a car to bring home the new-to-them couch.) There’s also the Europhile Righteous Cyclist, who will remind