Bike Snob - Anonymous [67]
So who’s behind this conspiracy? It’s the bike companies, of course. See, once you find a comfortable saddle, you don’t change it—you keep it until it wears out. And a saddle can last anywhere from a few years to like twenty. So how do bike companies convince you to replace parts that don’t wear out? Simple—they come out with new parts that will supposedly perform better than your current parts and consequently make you go faster. But it’s hard to convince even the most performance-obsessed cyclist that a saddle will make you faster. Sure, you can make them lighter, but the saddle is one of the very few areas in which performance-obsessed cyclists will often accept a little extra weight in the name of comfort. So how to get these people to buy new saddles? Easy—tell them their current one will render them impotent! Everybody knows the easiest way to get men to do anything is to threaten their penises.
So please, do not feed this vicious conspiracy. Do not add to the culture of fear. And, perhaps most importantly, afford our reproductive organs the respect and privacy they deserve. If we need attention in that area, we will let you know.
Don’t Touch Our Bikes or Interview Us
Do you touch strangers? Unless you’re reading this from prison, probably not. “Keep your hands to yourself” is one of the first important lessons you learn as a child, along with other useful rules of thumb like “Don’t eat change” and “Don’t stab your sister.” Despite this, many people seem to think it’s okay to touch strangers’ bikes. Every cyclist has shared an elevator or a stoplight with a non-cyclist who has expressed curiosity about their bicycle that, for some reason, can only be satisfied tactilely. “Nice bike! How much does it weigh?” they ask as they grope at the top tube and attempt to hoist it. And even if they can refrain from touching it, they’ll often come at you with a barrage of questions. “What’s your bike made of? How much did it cost?” Eventually, they’ll get around to you, too. “Where do you ride? How long does it take you to get there? Isn’t it cold to ride a bike? Isn’t that far? Isn’t it hard?”
I’m all for friendly interaction between humans as well as for a free exchange of information. However, there’s a difference between treating someone as a fellow human and as a curiosity. Generally, if we’re on our bikes, we’re going somewhere. And, as hard as it may be to believe, when we lay out our timetables in the morning we don’t factor in interview time. Furthermore, much of the data these people are attempting to gather is easily available on the Internet. Should the Internet replace good old-fashioned human discourse? No. Unless of course it’s going to make me late for work. Then, yes. Plus, questions like, “What’s better, carbon or aluminum?” don’t have one-word answers. You might as well stop Orthodox Jews on the street, grab their hats off their heads, and then pester them about the Talmud. Does this mean you should never talk to a cyclist? Of course not. Just try to use common sense. A good rule of thumb is to pretend our bikes are underpants. Think of it this way:
—You wouldn’t ask a stranger what their underpants are made of
—You wouldn’t ask a stranger how much they paid for their underpants
—Most importantly, you definitely wouldn’t try to touch a stranger’s underpants
See? It’s simple!
Disapproved
Protecting your bike’s finish is a natural impulse. However, when you protect it by covering it in Finlandia cheese labels, the cure is far worse than the disease.
The act of cycling is in itself a statement, but some people keep talking anyway. This bicycle is a message of peace as well as a plea of insanity. Note the rusty chain, which embodies the rider’s anti-oil sentiments.
Bike evolution can also run amok, as is the case with this messenger’s “work” bike, spotted in Brooklyn. Many cyclists feel messengers have diplomatic immunity and that it is wrong to make fun of their bikes. I disagree—this bike is the visual equivalent of a drunken ambassador driving