Bike Snob - Anonymous [68]
In today’s world of mass production, it can be tempting to try to individualize your bicycle. However, simply riding your bike tends to lend natural character. It also looks a lot better than, say, covering it with “hipster cysts” right out of the box. That’s the cycling equivalent to covering your notebook with Hello Kitty stickers.
4 The same bike six months later—ridden, not festooned. I like to think it’s since acquired a certain understated dignity. Note the addition of full fenders for maximum rainwater and urine deflection.
When it comes to bikes, there’s evolution, and then there’s neglect. This specimen is decidedly a victim of the latter. Warning: Bikes like this are often sold on Craigslist as “vintage.” Your father’s bell-bottoms are vintage; this is just crap.
Speaking of neglect, don’t neglect to lock your wheels, and don’t leave your bike outside too long either. Yes, your bike isn’t safe even in hipster havens like Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is where this bike was spotted. This baby’s been picked clean like a cheese plate at an art gallery.
“Tall bikes” are built by Urban Cyclists who have a Contraption Captain living deep inside of them. They’re sort of like hipster unicycles. Tall bike enthusiasts often refer to themselves as “outlaws,” though if stacking things on top of each other makes you an outlaw then I guess that makes playing Jenga a revolutionary act.
If your saddle looks like it’s nodding off, you have bike -fit issues. It’s possible, though, that this rider was raised on the side of a mountain and has an aversion to level surfaces. I would like to see this person’s home. I imagine a 45 degree couch, a custom-tilted toilet, and nights spent on a half-closed Murphy bed.
Photo credit: the edwin
I’m all for repurposing old bikes, but turning an exotic and outdated time trial bike into a townie bike is like eating your lunch with a comb. Meanwhile, the dog reflects ruefully on his life and contemplates the series of missteps and bad decisions that brought him to this place.
Using a $2,700 frame for your city bike is a good way to be out $2,700 when somebody steals it. Track bikes are about minimalism—except when it comes to spending money on them, it seems, in which case more is apparently better. This rider is also missing the wisdom of brakes and fenders, which can significantly improve your urban cycling experience. And mismatched tires are the rainbow suspenders of the aughts.
Driving your bike someplace to ride strikes fear and indignation in the hearts of Righteous Cyclists. In my opinion it’s perfectly fine to drive your bike to the trail, provided the trail is far away and provided you don’t drive like an idiot. However, if you drive around with a dirty mountain bike on your car that you never ride just because you think it looks cool that’s another story. Bikes are for riding; they’re not car hats.
Whatever just happened, at least they were safe.
When locking up, don’t be inconsiderate. Lift a fellow cyclist’s fallen bike, don’t hump it. Unless it’s got a condom on it, of course. In that case obviously don’t touch it.
Approved
Yes, Bianchi actually makes other bikes besides the Pista, and, yes, there is mountain biking in New York City. While it’s possible to neglect a bike, it’s almost impossible to abuse one. Actually, they like it. Ride your bike outside; just don’t leave it outside.
Photo credit: Mat Barlow
A Lone Wolf surveys his domain. Beatific yet menacing.
Having a bike that’s bigger—not to mention more expensive—than your car is a sign that at least your priorities are in order.
While I’m not especially excited by the fixed-gear freestyle phenomenon, the advent of bar-spinnable fixed-gear frames at least allows for the effective “autofellatio” locking style, in which a U-lock is passed through both the frame and the front wheel as opposed to just