Blue Belle - Andrew Vachss [92]
"But…"
"It's me too, Belle. I've been at it too long. I play it safe, but I don't play it alone. You understand what I'm saying?"
"No, honey."
"I can walk away from that office and never look back. They'll never nail me fighting over my home again. I don't have a home. Remember when you said we should run? I can't run. I don't have a home, but I have people. My people. The only thing that's mine. That's my pattern."
"The little black guy?"
"The Prof is one. There's others. I don't know how it happened. I didn't mean for it to happen. I have these dreams. I was going to be a gunfighter. Live hard until I died. But I found out I didn't want to die. Then I was going to be a scam artist. But I kept running into kids. And they keep pulling me into what I didn't want to be.
"I wanted to use my head, Belle, and they make me use my hands. I was going to be a lone wolf. I even liked the way the words sound, you know? But it's not me. All my life, I never found what I am …just what I'm not."
Belle shifted her weight on the floor, looking at me. "I know what you are," she said.
"No, you don't. You know what you want. I do that too. I think I want something, I make what I have into whatever that is. It doesn't work."
She grabbed a handful of my shirt. "You better not be telling me a fancy goodbye, Burke."
"There's nothing fancy about it. There's not going to be any more basements in my life. I'm over the edge now. Past the line. This guy, the guy I met tonight—he wants my brother. And he knows how to make him come to fight. I can't let Max do it."
"If he's as good as you say…"
"It's not a duel, Belle. Max has a baby. He's an outlaw. Like us. But he walks his own road. He fights this freak, there's no win. It's like turning over a rock—you don't know what's underneath. This Mortay, he's started something. If they fight, maybe Mortay wins. And my brother is dead. Max wins, he won't win easy. And even if he does, he's out of the shadows and into the street. Don't you get it?"
"No!"
"Listen to me, little girl. Listen good. There's no more outlaw code. There's no rules for freaks. I've known this since I was a kid, but I never really dealt with it. When I went back to my basement, after I shot that guy?"
"Yeah…"
"The people who came for me, they weren't his friends. It was the cops."
"I…"
"Listen! It was the cops. I was a stupid fucking kid who thought he was going to be a gunfighter. I went back to my basement. I thought they'd come for me—we'd shoot it out. I didn't care if I lived or I died. If I couldn't have my basement, I didn't care. If they came for me and I won, I'd have a rep. Walk down the street, women would look at me, men would whisper my name. I thought they'd come with guns—they came with a warrant."
I lit a smoke. My hands were still steady.
"I'm telling you the truth now. Max can't win a fight with this freak. Somebody's coming for him after that. Sooner or later…"
"Burke…"
"I've got my debts too, Belle. You've never been a slut with your body; don't be one with your respect. But give me what's coming to me. I got no choice about this. I don't want to live here if I have to pay so high."
"You have to kill him," she said. It wasn't a question.
"I have to kill him. And I'm not good enough to do it and walk away."
"You've been to prison before. I said I'd wait for you. I'll wait for you even if you buy a life sentence."
"I'm doing a life sentence right now. It's time to stop playing with myself. I got a plan. I know how to take him out. But it'll never end up in court."
"Honey