Bonnie - Iris Johansen [41]
“Only God can destroy you, Ted.” Another pause. “I haven’t seen you for weeks. I’ve told you before that the confessional is important for you. You need it.”
“I know. But I’ve been good, Father. My thoughts have been pure. I’ve done good deeds. I’ve tried to make amends for my sins. I know I shouldn’t have missed confession.” He whispered, “Nor have fought the demon. Give me a penance. Make me clean again.”
“If you don’t remember what you did, how can I know what penance to give you? Think. Tell me, Ted.”
He could feel himself being swayed by the priest’s persuasiveness as he always was whenever he was near him. All Father Barnabas had to do was stare into his eyes with that look that seemed to have almost hypnotic power, and Ted wanted to do anything, give anything. “I told you, I can’t do that. Why do you keep asking me?” He could feel the rage rising in him, and he had to control it. He had to remember that Father Barnabas wasn’t one of the demons, he was Danner’s salvation. The priest told him so all the time. “And God cast out Lucifer. He knew how evil demons can be. He would forgive me. You have to forgive me, too.”
“Ted, it’s not up to me. It’s in God’s hands. Let’s pray and ask Him for forgiveness.”
“He doesn’t listen to me.” His voice was tense with anger. “Why should He? You’re the one who has to get Him to forgive me. I couldn’t help it. It was like a giant wave of flame that was drowning me. I couldn’t see, couldn’t feel anything but the searing of the— He should have stopped me. I didn’t want to hurt them.”
“Them?” Father Barnabas asked slowly. “More than one demon?”
Alligators swarming in the dirty brown pond.
A dark-haired woman, beautiful as a Delilah from Hades, staring fiercely up at him as he had brought the knife down.
Not really demons. But he couldn’t accept that rage, not vengeance could make him do anything so horrible. If he did, then he’d be beyond all forgiveness. “I don’t remember.”
“I think you do, Ted.”
“No.” He wouldn’t remember. Why did the priest keep telling him to remember when it hurt him to do it? Was Father Barnabas his enemy, too? No, that couldn’t be true. Control those thoughts. Change the subject to the reason he was here. He forced a smile. “I’ll try to come here more often, Father. I promise. But I need you to help me now. Did you do what I asked?”
“Of course I did.”
He tensed. “Then tell me what I need to know.”
The priest shook his head.
Danner’s hands clenched.
“I prayed,” Father Barnabas said gently. “I don’t always get an immediate answer. Sometimes, I don’t get the answer you want.”
Danner could feel the rage rising within him. “But you’re a priest, dammit. God won’t listen to me, but He’ll listen to you. I have to know. What does she want? What does the little girl want from me?”
“Perhaps if you told me a little more, we could work through this. Who is this little girl?”
“I don’t want to work through anything. Just tell me what she wants, so that I can give it to her. She won’t leave me alone until I do.”
“I’ll pray again, but I can’t promise. Perhaps you could talk to her yourself. Or perhaps her parents.”
Talk to her? Panic was causing his heart to pound. “No, I can’t talk to her. You have to do it.” He jumped to his feet. “I’ll give you more time, but you have to help me. Don’t tell me you can’t do it. You can do anything. You always say you want to help me. This is the only way you can do it. I trust you, Father. Try again. Help me.”
“Ted, talk to me. Not about this little girl if you don’t want me to ask questions about her. Tell me what else you’ve been doing.”
If he talked to the priest, he would be at his mercy as he had been all through the years. Danner could feel his frustration begin to turn to rage. Calm. Don’t turn on the only man who could help him. Don’t let loose the rage. Resist the temptation to step into the cubicle that had heard a million sins and kill the priest. That would truly make him one of the demons that were his enemies.
“Ted?”
“Just pray and find out what I need,” Danner said hoarsely.