Business Networking and Sex - Ivan Misner [26]
BLAME IT ON BIOLOGY?
The desire to look cool and self-sufficient is a mysterious one. We’re not sure if its roots are primitive or ego-related. John Gray, Ph.D. and author of the famous Men Are From Mars and Women Are From Venus, sheds some light on the subject:
There is actually a biological reinforcement that occurs, a feedback loop, that rewards men internally for doing things on their own. When I am able to accomplish something by myself without depending on others, testosterone is released which lowers my stress level. If I have to depend on others, testosterone levels begin to drop and estrogen levels increase, which also goes along with increasing stress levels for men.
It was shown that when men are in competitive activities, their stress levels go down. When they are in cooperative activities and dependent on others, as in harmonious relationships, their stress levels actually go up. These are some of the physiological examples to support what you see even in little children. Little boys want to do things more independently, more on their own. They want to prove that they did something alone because when you do something on your own, it tends to be a testosterone-stimulating activity, whereas, when you do something together it tends to be estrogen stimulating and oxytocin stimulating. Oxytocin is a hormone that has been proven to lower stress levels in women.
She Comments . . .
I wonder if primitive humans first looked around to see who was watching when they fell and hurt themselves the way we modern folk do. It’s unbelievable how people can trip and hurt themselves badly, but be primarily concerned with the embarrassment level that follows once they look up and meet the eyes of passersby. Both genders share this silliness!
He Responds . . .
Yes, but men certainly embody it to a greater degree as is evident in knuckle-dragging moves such as drag racing at stoplights, driving very expensive red sports cars to compensate for any number of self-doubts, and the insistence of doing things like rewiring a basement by oneself, even though one is not a qualified electrician, to the point of electric shocks. The reality is that we men want to impress our women folk.
By looking for help, we are admitting to weakness and ignorance. Oh, get over yourself! Do you know what weakness actually is? It’s the belief that you know it all, or worse yet, the desire to have people think you do. Strength is admitting to weakness and imperfection and being able to be vulnerable and learn. Here lies the real challenge, should you decide to take it.
Let’s talk about the way men build friendships. They do this by doing stuff together. Not sitting around and talking, but actually doing some type of activity. Imagine you are a teenage cave boy and your father, uncle, or other male elder has just passed down the tradition of hunting for food for your family. This mentor would bring you out and teach you the ropes. There’s no shame in needing to be taught something new, right? But what if you came from a farming culture instead and were asked to go hunting with male friends. You wouldn’t know how, would you? Would it be hard for you to admit that you didn’t know how to hunt? After all, in this culture, manhood is based on the ability to provide.
Fast forward to today. You, as the family provider, have to bring in more business. You go to your first networking event. It is important that people see you as successful, smart, and capable, so when you attend the event you don’t ask for help. You figure you’ll learn as you go. The problem with this is that your success may happen, but slowly and probably not very potently. If you really want to be “the man” of your family, then use bravery and courage to ask for help. The more quickly you learn how to be an effective networker, the faster you’ll achieve results for your family. That’s